The Terrible Album Art Showcase

moe. - No Doy (1996)

2008-07-15T19:54:00.009-04:00

moe. must have realized a bit too late that having a photo of a man with a nail driven through his skull on an album cover was pretty morbid and sent the wrong message about what listening to the band's music might cause you to do to yourself. Their solution of painting the nailed man hazard-cone orange with Prince purple eyes and giving him a big, dopey smile was a fairly inelegant (not to mention ineffectual) fix for this problem.

Quick Change - Circus of Death (1988)

2008-07-15T19:54:00.006-04:00

You are now listening to a metal album. If the metal you are listening to is not sufficiently "face-melting," you may have to resort to ripping your own face off for the proper metal effect. To demonstrate, I have commissioned my 15 year old pothead brother to give us a diagram showing the proper method of ripping off one's own face. He claims that the random green stuff on the side of the image isn't a fully necessary part of the face-ripping experience, but claimed that he had to include it because, to quote, he was "totally feeling it." Thank you.

Emperor - In the Nightside Eclipse (1994)

2008-07-15T19:54:00.002-04:00

Q: How do you make the usual sort of cut-rate fantasy artwork found on countless metal album covers even uglier than usual?
A: Make everything a eye-hurting shade of blue, and I mean everything.

Ratchell - Ratchell II (1972)

2008-07-14T05:54:00.010-04:00

Words just fail me on this one. I never realized there could be a band so collectively ugly that even doctored, Glamour-shots style photos couldn't save any of them. These guys look less like a rock band and more like that depressing band your cheap uncle hired for his wedding that only knew how to play bad covers of old 70s rock ballads, right down to the depressing Tony Orlando look-alike.

The Monkees - Pool It! (1987)

2008-07-14T05:54:00.006-04:00

Somebody should have told the Monkees that they stopped being teen heartthrobs approximately 20 years before this album got made. Let's face it, there's nothing more depressing than a bunch of doughy, middle-aged men in swimming trunks trying to play like they're still cool. And jesus, what's with the painted-in water? Couldn't they afford to shoot this album cover in a real pool?

Limp Bizkit - Results May Vary (2003)

2008-07-14T05:54:00.002-04:00

Putting a photo of any band members on an album cover isn't a bad idea, really. It just helps if you don't have so much lighting shined on your face that you look like a bloated, doughy corpse. Soaking everything in a sickly lime green doesn't help either since it just makes you look like a cheap ripoff of the Wizard of Oz.

Gang of Four - Mall (1991)

2008-07-13T06:26:00.011-04:00

This album cover would already be pretty lousy if it had come from some rinky-dink pop-punk band or similar, which is what the album cover reminds me of. It's absolutely depressing when it comes from a band like Gang of Four that really should've known better. But then, I think the 90s made everybody kind of stupid when it came to album cover design.

Frank Black and the Catholics - Frank Black and the Catholics (1998)

2008-07-13T06:26:00.007-04:00

Boy there's nothing like having a color palette on your album that makes its title hard to see. It's even better when said color palette consists of brown, yellow, gold, and more brown.

Fotomaker - Fotomaker (1978)

2008-07-13T06:26:00.003-04:00

While this obviously isn't on the same level, as, say, Virgin Killer, there's definitely some implications to this album cover that I don't like in the slightest. At least Fotomaker only made a preteen girl pose her FACE provocatively on an album cover, which is more than I can say about what the Scorpions did, but the makeup sure doesn't help Fotomaker's case out any.

Super Furry Animals - Hey Venus! (2007)

2008-07-12T11:08:00.011-04:00

I love psychedelic artwork as much as the next guy but I usually don't like it quite this terrifying. I especially take issue with the really ugly comic book style color job on the figures. This all less suggests psychedelia and more implies some sort of horrible attempt to update the 60s gone hideously awry.

Anton Maiden - Anton Gustafsson Tolkar Iron Maiden (1999)

2008-07-12T11:08:00.006-04:00

As I was saying earlier, Photoshop has enabled damned near anyone an opportunity to make bad album covers. You can be an ugly, nerdy metalhead with a computer and a dream and all it takes is 15 pounds of Photoshop filter and some overlaid text. I really have to wonder what the point of the filter is, though. Are they supposed to be flames? Is he in Hell? Is this some sort of sunset sky? Did someone eat too much canned ravioli and barf on the camera lens?

American Gypsy - Angel Eyes (1974)

2008-07-12T11:08:00.002-04:00

Portraying your band as a group of cheetahs on an album cover is kind of strange but it could potentially work if done well. Unfortunately, whoever drew this apparently only had four paint colors to work with and was suffering from the DTs, resulting in something that's less "strange" and more "ugly and horrifying to look at." At least this band didn't exist in the era of Photoshop or else we'd probably be seeing a bunch of poorly-pasted and colored heads atop real cheetah bodies.

Formula 3 - Sognando e Risognando (1972)

2008-07-11T15:52:00.016-04:00

I didn't know that cutting a woman in half could actually be made more creepy and disgusting, but these guys sure managed to figure it out. I guess they figured that if they made the body look like a bad blow-up doll of a corpse, they could get away with the whole bisection thing without it seeming too terrible. Of course, they failed to realize that even having that idea for an album cover in the first place is terrible in and of itself.

Chumbawamba - Tubthumper (1997)

2008-07-11T15:52:00.010-04:00

I've talked before about 90s album cover design and its failings. Here, we see it in action. Any ape with a new copy of Photoshop could've made this fucker in about 30 seconds. Take a photo of a baby, throw a pukey pink color filter on it, paste on a big mouth, put it on a color-fill background, and there you go, instant shitty album cover.

With this cover, we also see that babies must be a recurring motif for Chumbawamba.

Various Artists - M'm! M'm! Good!

2008-07-11T15:52:00.006-04:00

Another product placement album (for Campbell's Soups of all fucking things) and this one is just goddamned inexplicable. The mother's so hopped up on thorazine she's starting to think that she's Popeye while her porcine little runt is so piggish that you could probably cut him into slabs and sell him as bacon. And boy, nothing aids the digestion of Campbell's Soup quite like the Ray Coniff Singers, or Jim "Gomer Pyle" Nabors.

(Image comes courtesy of Bizarre Records)

Various Artists - That Dobro Sound's Goin' Round!

2007-09-27T19:45:00.000-04:00

There are so many hilarious things about this cover that it's easiest to just make a list.

1) The fact this photo was obviously taken in a studio warehouse instead of a barn
2) The black on yellow text cheerfully suggesting that this LP is a "collector's item" in much the same way that NASCAR plates and Precious Moments figurines are "collectable."
3) The expression on the vaguely-Jimmy Carter looking guy in the center that seems to be very gleeful about the fact that he suckered a bunch of people into thinking said LP is a collector's item
4) The blonde woman's pose, which suggests a combination of "I had better adjust my helmet made of hair," "I have gone deaf from listening to this music for extended periods of time," and "I am actually a mannequin that the photographer found stashed behind these haybales."
5) The lustful gleam in the eye of the top center dobro player that seems to be directed toward Mr. Polka-Dot Shirt.
6) The names of the artists they got to contribute to this compilation in the first place, especially "Shot Jackson."

Dave Starr - The Nearer the Bone, the Sweeter the Meat

2007-09-27T19:42:00.001-04:00

"Huh? Who are you assholes? Can't you see I'm eating? The album cover? I thought you fuckheads were coming at 6! Look, if you want a picture so bad, just take one right now. I ain't in no fuckin' mood to get up and dick around taking some damn photo while my food gets cold! Either take a picture right now or get the fuck out of here!"

Birth Control - Operation (Alternate Cover) (1971)

2007-09-27T19:39:00.000-04:00

Quite a while ago, I took these guys to task for one cover of their album Operation, which featured a katydid chewing up human babies. What I didn't realize at the time is that apparently Birth Control's album covers came in a variety of different forms. I wasn't surprised to learn, of course, that most of these alternate forms were just as shitty.

Therefore, we have this alternate take on Operation. Instead of a giant insect committing infanticide, we see some sort of eel inside a water-filled condom. Like with most of Birth Control's covers, I really have no idea what this has to do with the concept of birth control, if anything. I mean, the idea "wear a condom or else a giant eel will come out of your penis and destroy your girlfriend's cervix" is juuust a bit insane.

LaVerne Tripp - The World of Laverne Tripp

2007-09-25T19:36:00.000-04:00

"Oh I'll get my reward all right! A reward of ETERNAL GLOBAL DOMINATION! I'm going to have to get rid of this leisure suit first, though. Isn't really becoming of the future WORLD EMPREROR TRIPP! Shit, playing with this overhead projector is fun, Marlene was right."

Led Zeppelin - Coda (1982)

2007-09-25T18:56:00.000-04:00

You know the album you're releasing is a cynical cash-in when you can't even spring for actual album artwork. Granted, stark minimalism can work sometimes (such as the iconic art for the Beatles' White Album), but that's assuming that whatever typography or lettering you're using is actually pleasing on the eyes in the first place. This looks like a weathered, bargain-basement flier for a yard sale.

The Beatles - Let It Be... Naked (2003)

2007-09-25T18:34:00.001-04:00

This cover breaks my eyes every time I look at it. I refuse to believe that anyone with any inkling of design sense had anything to do with this cover. Using photo negatives on an album cover is a gamble under the best circumstances, but typically you should try to use contrasting colors to make the negatives stand out instead of using a horrible grey background that makes them blend in. The clashing red on the word "Naked" and the inherent awkwardness of the album's title (never, EVER use ellipses in an album title, I beg you) just make things worse. Jesus, they didn't even get Harrison's photo right.

The hilarious thing about this cover is that simply making a straight negative of this cover results in a much more professional looking design that's far easier on the eyes. Nicer color palette, fewer clashing colors, and an overall nicer viewing experience. It still has problems, but at least they're workable problems.

Ted Nugent - Love Grenade (2007)

2007-09-24T18:30:00.001-04:00

You hear that, women with breast cancer? Ted Nugent says "Fuck you!"

Amazingly, this is actually less demeaning to women than the original, unused version of this album cover:

Crosby, Stills & Nash - Live It Up (1990)

2007-09-24T18:28:00.001-04:00

Ah yes, whenever I think of the smooth, folky melodies of Crosby, Stills, and Nash, what immediately come to mind for me are giant hot dogs. On the moon.

Eddie Layton - Great Organ Hits

2007-09-24T18:24:00.001-04:00

Eddie only learned how to play the organ because he thought he could pick up chicks. When he discovered that most women don't find playing the organ to be very attractive, he resorted to subliminal attempts to bring attention to his other "organ" in his album covers. His attempts, it should be noted, were not all that subtle.

(this image comes courtesy, again, of Bizarre Records)

Cerys Matthews - Cockahoop (2003)

2007-09-06T18:19:00.000-04:00

This album cover proves that no matter how disastrously bad your fashion sense is, you can always make it look that much more ridiculous if you portray yourself with some artwork as drawn by a 10 year old.

Jerry Colonna - Jerry Colonna Plays Trombone Along the Dixieland Hi-Fi-Way (1957)

2007-09-06T18:14:00.001-04:00

Jerry Colonna looks like he took a mouthful of uppers with his coffee this morning.

This is one of those instances where, by itself, the art style could've been fantastic, but deciding to superimpose actual photos of Jerry Colonna and entourage over the artwork just makes things really awkward and kind of ugly.

Elf - Elf (1972)

2007-09-06T18:13:00.001-04:00

Just when I thought I'd seen everything there possibly is to see on an album cover, I've find what seems to be the world's first-ever white trash elf. I suspect the artist must've got his inspiration from taking a good, long look at Elf band member Ronnie James Dio.

Blues Creation - Demon and Eleven Children (1971)

2007-09-05T18:08:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to get to the point where I legitimately have to ask what the deal is with psychedelic or metal bands featuring such amateurish, awkward artwork on their albums. Is this just inherent to these bands' style? Does it reflect upon the maturity and/or drug-addled states of these people's minds? I'm seriously starting to get bored of these covers. At least branch out into other styles of awfulness!

Given that this particular band are Japanese, though, maybe I can cut them some slack. Presumably they just figured that bad album covers were part of the territory and dutifully obliged.

Master Gunnery Sergeant Bill Dower - Armed Forces Workout (1984)

2007-09-05T18:01:00.001-04:00

You can't get much better than the intense look on this poor guy's face. It suggests a combination of sheer tenacity, blind rage, and a touch of masochistic stupidity, which are all qualities apparently sought by the U.S. Armed Forces. I've never really pretended to understand the mindset of those who need to buy a workout video/album that shouts like crazy at them, but at least I can make fun of the covers.

The Woofers and Tweeters Ensemble - Beatle Barkers (1983)

2007-09-04T17:09:00.001-04:00

You know those dumb "jingle pets" songs that get played on some of the more pathetic radio stations around the holidays? Those "songs" that are old Christmas tunes featuring pitch-shifted dog barks and other animal noises in place of actual singing? Well someone decided to do a whole album of Beatles songs in that "style" and left us with some truly wretched music and a pretty damned bad album cover. I really can't say much more on this subject. If you listen to any of the mp3s on the site provided, you'll realize that no other explanation is required. This is an album straight from the pits of hell itself and to speak of it would just be to invoke its dark powers to destroy all that is good and just in the world. Or at least wreck some pretty good Beatles tunes.

The Beatles - Magical Mystery Tour (1967)

2007-09-04T17:05:00.002-04:00

Back in the 60s, drugs caused people to do really stupid things they thought were cool at the time. Thus, we have the Beatles dressed up in goofy animal costumes in front of really awful (and awfully dated at this point) psychedelic backdrops. The starburst motif was honestly silly enough, but the American LP cover shown here just made matters worse with the bizarre yellow/blue cloud texture stuff. Not really a high point from an artistic perspective.

The Beatles - Yesterday and Today (original cover) (1966)

2007-09-04T17:02:00.000-04:00

Let's ignore the whole "GREATEST BAND EVER" critical fawning that takes place whenever the Beatles are mentioned for a second and be reasonable here; this cover is fucking awful.

I can't really imagine how an idea this asinine was concocted in the first place. "Let's drape meat and plastic body parts on the Beatles!" sounds like a bad joke, not an actual art project. Even then, using one of said images for an album cover is not only asinine but a huge lapse in judgement. Everyone's favorite mop-topped whatevers covered in meat is not something your average pop fan wants to consider.

Some people consider this album cover to be a brilliant ploy by the Beatles to stick it to the man and make some sort of bold artistic statement. An artistic statement involving meat, I guess. I agree more with George Harrison's take on this whole thing; "I thought it was gross, and I also thought it was stupid. Sometimes we all did stupid things thinking it was cool and hip when it was naïve and dumb; and that was one of them."

The Polyphonics - Zounds! What Sounds

2007-09-03T17:00:00.001-04:00

There's no denying it; this is one of the goofiest album covers I've ever seen.

Zen - Hair (1969)

2007-09-03T16:55:00.000-04:00

This is a promotional still from the little-known original concept version of the movie Mannequin. Instead of featuring Kim Catrall as a department store mannequin come to life, this version featured an army of blank, soulless mannequins attempting to take over the world. Kind of like zombies if zombies happened to be made of wood. In this scene, we see an army of them surrounding and about to destroy a pack of hapless hippies on their way to a love-in.

Mike Melvoin - The Plastic Cow Goes Moooooog (1970)

2007-09-03T16:52:00.001-04:00

The plastic cow's lifeless eyes plead with you. Its pitiful cries of "moog" fill your ears. The plastic cow is attempting to tell you something. You can sense that it wants you to pull its plug. The plastic cow realizes its existence is horrible and unnatural. It pleads with you to end its so-called life by merely unplugging its cord, end its futile cries of "moog" once and for all.

(It should be noted that "moog" is actually pronounced to rhyme with "vogue," so Melvoin completely fucked up his stupid pun.)

Butthole Surfers - Electriclarryland (1996)

2007-09-02T16:45:00.001-04:00

I can't really nail this album cover for being in bad taste since a solid majority of the Butthole Surfers's album covers were in bad taste. I can at least take them to dask for doing bad taste so ineptly. I mean, this is a band that went from album covers featuring photos of starving Africans and John Wayne Gacy paintings to a very crudely drawn cartoon image of a guy getting a pencil shoved into his ear. This doesn't make the previously mentioned covers that much better, mind, it just makes you realize that if you're going to really go for bad taste, you might as well go all the way. It won't make your album cover any better, but it won't look so half-assed.

Michael Jackson - Ben (original cover) (1972)

2007-09-02T16:42:00.001-04:00

People try to trace exactly where Michael Jackson started to go wrong. Was it his horrible childhood growing up in Gary? The stratospheric fame in the 80s that turned his head all wrong? Personally, I believe that things started to go awry as early as the 70s, when Michael sang a ballad about a rat and was featured on an album cover with a bunch of rats. That's the sort of thing that's likely to mess with anyone's head.

Boys Town Gang - Can't Take My Eyes Off You (1997)

2007-09-01T16:40:00.000-04:00

Well. Sometimes, I really don't need to say anything at all about these covers.

Joe Vento - The Many Moods of Joe Vento

2007-09-01T16:38:00.000-04:00

"Duhhh, hey maw! I finally got me one of them there recordin' contracts! And I think this purdy lady likes me! Ah'm gonna be livin' the good life! Huh? Whaddya mean they're takin' a pitcher of me right now?"

Velvett Fogg - Velvett Fogg (1969)

2007-08-31T16:34:00.000-04:00

As much as I love bare breasts, and as much as I'm not opposed to the concept of the Summer of Love, this album cover manages to make both seem really unpalatable. Let's face it, any album cover that manages to make bare breasts seem like a terrible thing is committing some serious crimes against nature. And what's with the androgynous cowboy thing in the back? Or that ghostly guy? And what's with the feather boas? This cover is starting to make my head hurt. Curse you, 1960s!

The Wurzels - The Combine Harvester (1976)

2007-08-31T16:31:00.001-04:00

Ha ha ha! Man, accidents involving farm equipment are such a hoot! You can just IMAGINE the guy on the ground getting slowly ground up into an indistinguishable paste! And look at his friends! They're so happy about this possible turn of events! I've got to tell you, there's nothing like being drunk and stupid on a farm!

Aerosmith - Get a Grip (1993)

2007-08-30T16:26:00.000-04:00

Hi, "dudes!" We're the band Aerosmith! You might know us as a bunch of washed-up old guys your parents listened to. We, "like, totally" know what you're thinking, "man," but we're still totally "rad" and "hip" and "with it." Check this "radical" album we just put out! We know that "pierced nipples" are "totally hot" so we thought it'd be really "bodacious" to put one on our album cover. Even the album's name is "too cool for school"! So "don't have a cow, man," and buy our new record! We know you'll think it's "totally rad to the max"! "Cowabunga, dudes!"

Jo Basile - Accordion de Paris (1959)

2007-08-30T16:24:00.000-04:00

I like how whoever was responsible for this album cover figured that your average suburban 1950s businessman or homebody wouldn't have a damned clue that an album was supposed to be French in origin if they didn't make it really blatantly obvious. I mean, playing a game of "count the stereotypes" is yielding scores I previously thought were unattainable. Unfortunately, these same marketers made a crucial error in assuming that your average white suburban individual of the 1950s would be interested in music from a bunch of Frenchies in the first place. Ah, c'est la vie.

Fall Out Boy - Evening Out with Your Girlfriend (2003)

2007-08-30T16:09:00.001-04:00

Before Fall Out Boy became mopey, dopey purveyors of emo whining suitable for listening to while wearing your librarian sweater and giant, black-framed glasses, Fall Out Boy were apparently a bunch of misguided dorks leering at an ugly girl while surrounded by eye-searing colors. Well, actually they're still a bunch of misguided dorks, but at least their embrace of the mopier side of life has improved their design skills a tad.

Fireballet - Two, Too... (1976)

2007-08-29T15:53:00.001-04:00

Rateyourmusic tells me that this is the last album Fireballet ever released. I suspect this is because putting all of your ugly, hairy male band members on the cover of your album wearing tutus and frolicking around is considered to be a career-ending move in certain parts of the world. Making awful puns on top of that just seals the deal.

Finch - Beyond Expression (1976)

2007-08-29T15:50:00.000-04:00

It's not often that I agree with an album's title, but really, what can you say about a monstrous disembodied heart that's spewing fire from its innards?

At least A.A. Allen didn't name this. He probably would've called it "The Healer of Heartburns."

Sebadoh - Bakesale (1994)

2007-08-28T15:30:00.000-04:00

I can't really fault Mrs. Barlow for taking this photo of her one year old son. She probably had no idea that, years later, he'd decide to use this candid photo as the cover to one of his albums. If anything, this just proves a point about baby photos; if you thought they were embarassing stashed in an old photo album in your mother's house, they don't become any less embarassing when you put them on the cover of a mass-produced album so that the whole world can see it.

Kenny Rodgers - Kenny Loves Jesus (1981)

2007-08-28T15:26:00.001-04:00

"Kenny, Jesus said he only likes you as a friend! He's starting to get kind of worried that you might be obsessing over Him a tad too much! Now please take off that tuxedo. I don't think He's going to spontaneously decide to marry you after seeing how you carved up that tree."

(Image taken from Bizarre Records)

Fortran 5 - Avocado Suite (1995)

2007-08-28T15:22:00.001-04:00

Not content to merely show someone using the toilet, Fortran 5 decided to go that tasteful extra mile and provided us with a nude man taking a bath. What the album title has to do with either of these things is something I'd rather not think about too hard.

Elvis Costello - Spike (1989)

2007-08-27T15:20:00.000-04:00

Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here? I love Elvis Costello dearly, but I'd really like to know where the hell Costello got the idea that what we'd love to see most on an album cover is his creepy, disembodied head mounted to a wall. I'm not even going to get into the clown makeup applied over his facial hair. Jesus, this is the stuff of nightmares.

Abbfinoosty - Out of Abbfinoosty Comes the Storm (1996)

2007-08-27T15:18:00.000-04:00

Scouple hints for those wishing to look more menacing on their album cover(s).

1) It's difficult to look menacing when you use a butterfly-wing pattern as part of your album cover's background.
2) It's nearly impossible to look menacing when you look like Tiny Tim's uglier kid brother.
3) Though spooky lighting can make one look more menacing, be sure the lighting doesn't make your skin look like you're a pumpkin with jaundice.

Charles Roy Schroeder, Ph.D - Rope Jumping for Boys and Men (1974)

2007-08-27T15:12:00.001-04:00

I like how the "artist" attempted to depict motion in his image, along with how badly they failed at it. The current image doesn't really depict motion as much as it depicts "having a seizure while attempting to draw someone jumping rope."

Dream Theater - A Change of Seasons (1995)

2007-06-14T15:08:00.003-04:00

You know, it's not that I don't get the point behind this cover or anything (ha ha the little kid in swim trunks is playing in the snow as if it were sand), it's just that the execution seems kind of slipshod. If you're trying to depict a small child playing in the snow, why not take a photo of a child playing in the god damned snow instead of taking a separate photo of the child, throwing him through a blue filter, then haphazardly photoshopping him onto a winter scene in as if we wouldn't notice. The same goes for the damned stupid bucket and scoop. I also like how for some reason the blue filter doesn't work on the piercingly red rose. Jesus Christ, Photoshop turned Storm Thorgerson into a lazy bastard.

Carl Preacher - Just Jesus and Me

2007-06-14T15:06:00.000-04:00

It's so sweet that Carl made a nest in his hair for Jesus to roost in.

Lords of Acid - The Crablouse (1994)

2007-06-14T15:02:00.000-04:00

At first, I thought that a b-grade parody of a Calvin Klein ad would have to be better than their stupid Pussy cover. Then again, on that cover you don't have to play fun games like "figure out where the hell is that arm coming from" or "see how long you can avoid eye contact with pubic hair."

Ted Nugent - Craveman (2002)

2007-06-14T14:59:00.000-04:00

This album cover was brought to you by five minutes with Photoshop's bevel tool.

Cannibal Corpse - Worm-Infested (2003)

2007-06-11T14:55:00.000-04:00

While this might not really be the worst or most shocking album cover by Cannibal Corpse standards (mostly due to the lack of extreme amounts of gore), this one is still pretty damned bad in its own right. The gigantic amount of wormy tentacles trying to make their way into the girl's most special of places is already bad enough, but then there's the gigantic gaping maw of hell in the background that gives new meaning to the term "vagina dentata." Maybe this means I'm meant to psychoanalyze this, Freud style, to figure out just what the band's sexual hangups are that would result in them putting things like bloody raped corpses on most of their album covers, but most of me doesn't really want to know.

Cattle Decapitation - Human Jerky (1999)

2007-06-11T14:52:00.000-04:00

If you're trying to be shocking with an album cover (and if you're a grindcore act, you're almost certainly trying to be shocking), it might help to use a little less contrast on your photo. It seriously took me about 10 minutes for me to figure out that what I was looking at wasn't an unidentifiable blur of red and black but was actually a decapitated cattle head (GEE, JUST LIKE THE BAND NAME). Boy was my face red!

Did you know that the members of this band are apparently vegetarians and place a huge emphasis on animal rights? After seeing this cover, they sure could've fooled me!

The Ministers Quartet - Let Me Touch Him

2007-06-11T14:41:00.000-04:00

No offense, but I'd rather not let your guys' hands get within 50 feet of anybody. In fact, I get the sneaking suspicion that these four are responsible for the invention of the restraining order.

A Day of Fun at the Circus

2007-06-11T01:52:00.000-04:00

Hey, my idea of fun at the circus is ALSO carpetbombing the circus along and the 10 mile radius surrounding it, dressing up like Emmett Kelly, and looking sad amongst the rubble and body parts. It's like the guys who made this album cover could READ MY MIND!

Roger - The Many Facets of Roger (1981)

2007-06-08T01:49:00.000-04:00

Among Roger's many facets are his inability to dress himself in clothing that isn't both ridiculous and extremely ugly, his inability to get a decent haircut, and his shameless mugging for the department store camera that undoubtedly was used to create these shots in the first place.

Kevin Rowland - My Beauty (1999)

2007-06-08T01:47:00.000-04:00

If someone were to ask me what my deepest, darkest nightmares looked like, I would have to say that this album cover comes fairly close to nailing it.

Kenny Loggins - Keep the Fire (1979)

2007-06-06T01:42:00.000-04:00

Apparently, not only did the second coming already happen, it appears that everyone's favorite soft-rock movie soundtrack mainstay Kenny Loggins was the chosen one. Now I suddenly don't feel as bad for making fun of all of those Christian album covers.

Main Source - Breaking Atoms (1991)

2007-06-03T01:40:00.000-04:00

"So you see, when you split open atoms by placing them inside this blue sea-shelly thing, delicious jawbreakers fly out! Ha! And they said that nuclear fission was dangerous!"

Devourment - Molesting the Decapitated (1999)

2007-06-03T01:36:00.000-04:00

Yep, it's a decapitated corpse alright. One that happens to be naked. You have to give the band a few points for making their album's title fairly accurate, and double bonus points for not having the nude corpse be female since I get pretty damned tired of misogyny on metal album covers. Of course, in the end we're still left with a naked, headless corpse, and it doesn't take much thought to realize that this isn't a good thing.

The Friends - Songs that Mom and Dad Taught Us

2007-06-03T01:33:00.001-04:00

Mom and dad sure taught us a lot, you know. They were so important to us as a band, in fact, that once they died, well, I couldn't bear to see them buried. Instead I took them to the local taxidermist. He was a bit hesitant at first, but after I convinced him of how important they were to me, he went through with the procedure and gave them to me. Now they can sit on their favorite chairs, forever. I even took a photo of it for the album cover!

Bruce Haack - The Electronic Record for Children (1969)

2007-06-02T01:30:00.000-04:00

This cover explains why hippies shouldn't have been allowed to make their own album covers. Sketchy, art-school dropout drawing style? Inexplicably naked children and naked adults? More hair than a wig factory?

I'm just glad that he drew so many lightning bolts. Without those, I wouldn't have had a fucking clue that the album apparently contains electronic music!

Violet Cohn - More from Violet Cohn

2007-06-02T01:26:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how to read Violet's facial expression here. Either she's been constipated for days and is waiting for her prunes to kick in, or she's completely forgotten that she was supposed to have a photo taken for her album cover and is wondering who in the hell these strange people with cameras are that came into her house and scared her cats. I'm thinking it might be the latter since she apparently took the time to pick out the dress that acted as the best camoflage against her floral print wallpaper.

(as the watermark states, this image also comes courtesy of Bizarre Records)

Christian Crusaders - Christian Crusaders with Al Davis

2007-06-02T01:21:00.000-04:00

Given superpowers by the divine love of Jesus Christ, the Christian Crusaders are a crack team of superheroes designed to spread His love across the land! They are:
The Rotund Reverend: He loves Jesus almost as much as he loves food!
Miss Anorexia: She may be wiry, but she has nerves of steel hardened by her faith!
The Midget: A pint-sized soldier in His army, he's still no slouch when it comes to fighting in His name!
Featuring special guest star Emperor Palpatine!

Scorpions - Virgin Killer (original cover) (1976)

2007-05-30T01:16:00.001-04:00

This cover stands head and shoulders above any I've ever seen. It's in such bad taste as to render the cover difficult to even look at. It plays off of societal taboos in a way that's crass and exploitative in the worst possible sense. It features a naked preteen posing suggestively with a broken glass starburst over her genitals. My friends, this is Virgin Killer.

How does an album cover like this come about? Apparently, the band's record label asked for a shocking cover, and they sure as hell got one. They got one so bad that even the band themselves started to have second thoughts about what they had done. The fact that the cover got pulled and replaced with a generic group photo of the band suggests that the record label figured that out perhaps just a tad too late.

So congratulations to you, Scorpions. You somehow managed to make the worst album cover ever. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

Bay City Rollers - Rock 'n' Roll Love Letter (1976)

2007-05-30T01:14:00.000-04:00

Featuring quite possibly the ugliest group of teen heartthrobs ever. Not only do I resent their horrible faces, I also resent that they attempted to do the 80s feathered hair look about four years before the 80s actually began. Their outfits, of course, are too horrible to even mention.

Birth Control - Operation (1971)

2007-05-30T01:10:00.000-04:00

Tying in with the previous album cover of theirs that I've covered, if you don't use birth control, apparently a giant grasshopper will, uh, eat a bunch of babies for some poorly-defined reason. I'm not sure if this is a step up from a dayglo fetus in a dumpster yet or not, but at least you can give these guys credit for sticking to a theme. Even when it feels like their theme was inspired by taking a shitload of drugs.

Anna Russell - In Darkest Africa

2007-05-30T01:03:00.000-04:00

I like how she goes for the old-school colonialist approach to how those horrible African savages would treat such an upstanding, white British woman such as herself, then completely half-asses it by making them wear those bizarre tartan skirts. I mean jesus, if you're going to be stereotypical, at least get your fucking stereotypes right.

The Reverend Gusta Booker - The Day Death Died!!! (1983)

2007-05-27T01:01:00.000-04:00

You can never use too many exclamation points!!! This goes double if you're making profoundly nonsensical statements!!! They lend your album's title that touch of class and elegance that it needs to make people want to listen to it!!! It's great!!!

Jim Post - I Love My Life (1978)

2007-05-27T00:58:00.000-04:00

I don't know, Jim, something about that thousand-yard stare and sour look on your face make me think you're deluding yourself. You want to come across as being sexy, I'm sure, but you can't bring yourself to go that extra mile, can you Jim? You simply can't reconcile your desires with what you already know about your sad, horrible little life, can you? Let's face it, Jim; you don't love anything. You just want to die.

Don & Seymour - Don & Seymour

2007-05-26T00:55:00.001-04:00

The look of rage on Don's face in this image is pretty stunning. "So I'm playing guitar with a sock puppet. YOU GOT A FUCKIN' PROBLEM WITH THAT, ASSHOLE?!" Given Seymour's typically jolly appearance (being a puppet and all), what's coming to mind is a very surreal, musical version of good cop, bad cop, where Seymour happily serenades you and cracks jokes and Don angrily cracks the guitar over your head and dumps your body in a drainage ditch.

(As the watermark mentions, this is an image from Bizarre Records, a bunch of guys who've been doing this way longer than I have, and even partially inspired me to start this.)

Ray Thornley - Ray Thornley Entertains, Vol. 1

2007-05-26T00:52:00.000-04:00

For supposedly entertaining others, Ray looks extremely non-plussed. His slight sneer and uncomfortable body language suggest that he really doesn't give a rat's ass about any of the people he's entertaining, and to be quite frank he probably hates what he does from an aesthetic standpoint. Given the bizarre electronics on his organ, it's entirely possible that he doesn't even play the organ himself, choosing instead to merely program the machine to do his bidding, causing the sham that is his pathetic existence to be revealed even further. But hey, recommendations from The Organist don't come every day, so I suppose you have to do what you have to do.

Tony Tee - Time to Get Physical (1988)

2007-05-25T00:49:00.000-04:00

I really don't know what's more pathetic here; the fact that Tony clearly needs the two huge guys to hold up his barbell for him (which isn't even that heavy by the looks of it) or the fact that the woman in the weird spandex/technicolor diaper arrangement looks like she's about to kick Tony's ass.If rap is a game designed to make its participants seem as masculine as possible, Tony has lost. Big time.

Mylon LeFevre - Weak at the Knees (1977)

2007-05-25T00:44:00.000-04:00

You know, the term "fashion disaster" doesn't seem nearly damning enough in this instance. This guy's outfit is so outrageously bad that it seems like it needs a new term to describe it. Maybe we should start calling extreme cases like this one "fashion holocausts." It's impossible to get too hyperbolic with this outfit, after all.

XXX Maniak - Harvesting the Cunt Nectar (2004)

2007-05-24T00:42:00.000-04:00

You know, I don't usually expect much from grindcore and its variants when it comes to album covers. They're gory, stupid, and attempt to shock the viewer with whatever means necessary. This, however, seems pretty low even for the genre. I mean, come on, gouging out a woman's vaginal area with a shovel? The random sexual organs just scattered around in the frame for who-knows-what reason? Even the name feels kind of forced in its "outrageousness." And metal fans wonder why they're often considered socially-maladjusted deviants.

The Sportsmen Quartet - Barbershop Ballads

2007-05-23T00:39:00.000-04:00

If they're so world-famous, why can't they grow their own moustaches? I mean come on, those things are faker than a stripper's chest. Then again, I'm not sure that the guy in the blue sweater has even hit puberty, so it could be a conscious decision.

I love how the guy in the back isn't even attempting to sing, he's just mugging for the camera for all he's worth. It's as if he knows his 15 minutes of fame are almost up, so he might as well get the most bang for his buck.

Also, is it just me or does the woman in the barber's chair look suspiciously like "Tina" from the Broad Minded cover? Were attractive women in such short supply in the late 50s that they had to be shared across album covers?

Tom Jones - a-Tom-ic Jones (1966)

2007-05-23T00:36:00.000-04:00

If Soulja Slim was implying that he was about to go World War III on our asses in the name of givin' it to us raw, Tom Jones is implying that he can start a nuclear holocaust just by letting loose with his wonderfully rich Welsh baritone if he so chooses. The album cover arms race has begun!

Buffalo - Only Want You for Your Body (1974)

2007-05-23T00:33:00.000-04:00

While I'm pretty sure the album title/cover combo are meant to work as a joke, this still leaves me with a photo of a very pasty white fat... um, thing all suited up for some S&M action in a dungeon somewhere. Maybe I'm a bit too square, but I don't find this to be very effective album cover material. I mean, at least make it so I can figure out the gender of whatever it is that's being tied up next time.

David and Rhonda Bean - Somethins Happened to Daddy

2007-05-22T00:30:00.000-04:00

What's happened to daddy, Rhonda, is that he bought a cheap suit that's somehow made him think that he's wealthier than he actually is, if we can believe the unbelievably awful song title advertised here. He also may be suffering from bee sting allergies given the puffiness of his face. I'd also rather not speculate about why the microphone you happen to be holding looks vaguely like a vibrator.

The Cure - The Cure (2004)

2007-05-22T00:26:00.000-04:00

You know, when the best artwork you can produce for your album is something that your 5 year old drew, you might want to reconsider things a bit.

Billy Devroe - Broad Minded

2007-05-21T00:24:00.000-04:00

Possible thoughts going through Billy Devroe's head on this album cover:
1) "Man, don't tell me that ditzy dame Tina's going to try to scare me by sneaking up on me again. When's she going to learn that it never works?"
2) "Aw fuck, I killed another one. I really hope the judge lets me off light this time."
3) "Man, all of these girls and I'm not attracted to a single one. I really oughta come out of the closet."
4) No thoughts are actually going through his head. This is just how he looks whenever he drinks himself into a stupor.

Leo Sayer - Endless Flight (1976)

2007-05-21T00:21:00.000-04:00

You know, I could remake this album cover with Richard Simmons and a trebuchet and get the added bonus of being able to actually see the impact at the end. With Leo Sayer, I can only pretend, and that's not nearly as entertaining.

Limp Bizkit - Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water (2000)

2007-05-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

You know, complaining about Limp Bizkit being stupid and juvenile is kind of like complaining about dogs barking and licking themselves. Hell, making fun of Fred Durst is kind of like making fun of developmentally disabled kids in that it's entirely too easy and almost meanspirited. However, given that most kids in a special ed class would probably know better than to release an album cover based around such a horribly juvenile phrase and somehow Fred Durst DIDN'T, well, I think that deserves some mention after all. Good old Fred. May you one day be able to handle the horrors of the third grade.

Adrian - One Step into the Uncertain (1989)

2007-05-18T00:15:00.000-04:00

With this one, you can tell that the artist completely blew their artistic load on the whatever-it-is that's assailing my favorite norse rock god Val Hallen, then completely forgot about drawing, well, anything else at all. I can hear the excuses now: "Well, uh, the battle is taking place on a distant world enshrouded by blue fog... and no, those aren't deformed marshmallows, they're eggs. Seriously."

The goofy pose is also great. It makes it look like Val has something really great in his hands and the monster is trying desperately to look over his shoulder and see what it is.

Circle Jerks - Golden Shower of Hits (1983)

2007-05-18T00:13:00.000-04:00

If there's one thing more tiring than having a joke beat over your head, it's having the joke beat over your head when it isn't even that funny to begin with. Oh ha ha, the gold records are in the urinal due to their similarity in color to urine which is playing off the album title. Plus they're being pissed on to double up the album title hilarity! Oh what a laugh! I could just die!

Mario Rossi - Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf

2007-05-18T00:11:00.000-04:00

I don't quite recall the portion of Peter and the Wolf where a middle-aged soccer mom in a frumpy black dress shoots the wolf, has it stuffed, then attempts the world's most inept suicide by shooting. Must've missed that part.

The Murk Family - Love for All Seasons

2007-05-18T00:07:00.000-04:00

Mom had a shitload of floral print fabric on hand and, god damn it, she was going to use it all! I think even the dad's shirt is made out of the stuff. I guess it could've been worse and she could've similarly dressed up the brother (though she might've anyway since I can't get a good look on that shirt of his), horse, and dog, but I think she finally figured out that there's more important things to do after a nuclear holocaust has hit than making sure everybody's clothes match.

Elliot Lawrence - Music for Trapping (Tender, That Is)

2007-05-18T00:05:00.000-04:00

Yeah I think I'd have that sort of expression on my face too if I discovered that the guy I was dating was a PSYCHOTIC SERIAL KILLER HELL-BENT ON BEHEADING ME AND STICKING ME ON THE WALL LIKE SOME SICK TROPHY. I bet if you look in his closet he already has most of his woman-skin suit ready too.

Jerry Falwell - Where Are the Dead?

2007-05-16T23:42:00.001-04:00

Unless the question in the title is rhetorical, this has to be one of the stupidest fucking album covers I've ever seen.

Aaron Carter - Crazy Little Party Girl (1998)

2007-05-15T23:25:00.000-04:00

The underaged crotch shot that absolutely nobody needed to see. It gives me a sneaking suspicion that Aaron Carter actually isn't being marketed to preteen girls at all but rather NAMBLA.

The Gospel Tidings - Get Away Satan

2007-05-15T23:18:00.000-04:00

These people are so collectively ugly that I'm sure Satan wouldn't want anything to do with them in the first place. "Send these guys to hell? Are you nuts? These people think avocado green actually looks good on them! They're too stupid to be evil! And stop bothering me about tempting the McKeithens. They ain't cutting it either."

Barry Louis Polisar - I Eat Kids and Other Songs for Rebellious Children (1975)

2007-05-12T23:03:00.001-04:00

You can't get much better than the look of abject terror on the kids' face. It's as if someone just told the kid what the name of the album was.

The McKeithens - The McKiethen's

2007-05-12T22:43:00.001-04:00

While the McKeithens as a whole are an ugly, ugly family and I could describe the flaws of each for possibly two or three pages, what concerns me most is the mother's hair. It looks terrifyingly unreal, almost as if some space alien replaced her hair with an egg sac and in a few minutes a bunch of space parasites are going to burst from it and latch themselves onto her extremely mannish daughter, or maybe the grinning idiot in the back.

Dr. Alimantado - Best Dressed Chicken in Town (1978)

2007-05-11T22:21:00.001-04:00

Somebody needs to tell this chicken that it's generally a good idea to check if your fly is zipped before posing for an album cover.

Dean Martin - Happiness is Dean Martin (1962)

2007-05-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

AUUUGGGH GET IT AWAY FROM ME IT'S STARING INTO MY SOUL IT WANTS TO EAT ME ALIVE HEEELLLPPP

Actually what really makes this cover is Dean's bemused expression. "Huh, would you look at that. This doll just started puking up pea soup all over the place and calling my mother a whore. I must be having a really bad case of the DTs again."