Thursday, June 14, 2007

Dream Theater - A Change of Seasons (1995)

You know, it's not that I don't get the point behind this cover or anything (ha ha the little kid in swim trunks is playing in the snow as if it were sand), it's just that the execution seems kind of slipshod. If you're trying to depict a small child playing in the snow, why not take a photo of a child playing in the god damned snow instead of taking a separate photo of the child, throwing him through a blue filter, then haphazardly photoshopping him onto a winter scene in as if we wouldn't notice. The same goes for the damned stupid bucket and scoop. I also like how for some reason the blue filter doesn't work on the piercingly red rose. Jesus Christ, Photoshop turned Storm Thorgerson into a lazy bastard.

Carl Preacher - Just Jesus and Me

It's so sweet that Carl made a nest in his hair for Jesus to roost in.

Lords of Acid - The Crablouse (1994)

At first, I thought that a b-grade parody of a Calvin Klein ad would have to be better than their stupid Pussy cover. Then again, on that cover you don't have to play fun games like "figure out where the hell is that arm coming from" or "see how long you can avoid eye contact with pubic hair."

Ted Nugent - Craveman (2002)

This album cover was brought to you by five minutes with Photoshop's bevel tool.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Cannibal Corpse - Worm-Infested (2003)

While this might not really be the worst or most shocking album cover by Cannibal Corpse standards (mostly due to the lack of extreme amounts of gore), this one is still pretty damned bad in its own right. The gigantic amount of wormy tentacles trying to make their way into the girl's most special of places is already bad enough, but then there's the gigantic gaping maw of hell in the background that gives new meaning to the term "vagina dentata." Maybe this means I'm meant to psychoanalyze this, Freud style, to figure out just what the band's sexual hangups are that would result in them putting things like bloody raped corpses on most of their album covers, but most of me doesn't really want to know.

Cattle Decapitation - Human Jerky (1999)

If you're trying to be shocking with an album cover (and if you're a grindcore act, you're almost certainly trying to be shocking), it might help to use a little less contrast on your photo. It seriously took me about 10 minutes for me to figure out that what I was looking at wasn't an unidentifiable blur of red and black but was actually a decapitated cattle head (GEE, JUST LIKE THE BAND NAME). Boy was my face red!

Did you know that the members of this band are apparently vegetarians and place a huge emphasis on animal rights? After seeing this cover, they sure could've fooled me!

The Ministers Quartet - Let Me Touch Him

No offense, but I'd rather not let your guys' hands get within 50 feet of anybody. In fact, I get the sneaking suspicion that these four are responsible for the invention of the restraining order.

A Day of Fun at the Circus

Hey, my idea of fun at the circus is ALSO carpetbombing the circus along and the 10 mile radius surrounding it, dressing up like Emmett Kelly, and looking sad amongst the rubble and body parts. It's like the guys who made this album cover could READ MY MIND!

Friday, June 8, 2007

Roger - The Many Facets of Roger (1981)

Among Roger's many facets are his inability to dress himself in clothing that isn't both ridiculous and extremely ugly, his inability to get a decent haircut, and his shameless mugging for the department store camera that undoubtedly was used to create these shots in the first place.

Kevin Rowland - My Beauty (1999)

If someone were to ask me what my deepest, darkest nightmares looked like, I would have to say that this album cover comes fairly close to nailing it.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Kenny Loggins - Keep the Fire (1979)

Apparently, not only did the second coming already happen, it appears that everyone's favorite soft-rock movie soundtrack mainstay Kenny Loggins was the chosen one. Now I suddenly don't feel as bad for making fun of all of those Christian album covers.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Main Source - Breaking Atoms (1991)

"So you see, when you split open atoms by placing them inside this blue sea-shelly thing, delicious jawbreakers fly out! Ha! And they said that nuclear fission was dangerous!"

Devourment - Molesting the Decapitated (1999)

Yep, it's a decapitated corpse alright. One that happens to be naked. You have to give the band a few points for making their album's title fairly accurate, and double bonus points for not having the nude corpse be female since I get pretty damned tired of misogyny on metal album covers. Of course, in the end we're still left with a naked, headless corpse, and it doesn't take much thought to realize that this isn't a good thing.

The Friends - Songs that Mom and Dad Taught Us

Mom and dad sure taught us a lot, you know. They were so important to us as a band, in fact, that once they died, well, I couldn't bear to see them buried. Instead I took them to the local taxidermist. He was a bit hesitant at first, but after I convinced him of how important they were to me, he went through with the procedure and gave them to me. Now they can sit on their favorite chairs, forever. I even took a photo of it for the album cover!

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Bruce Haack - The Electronic Record for Children (1969)

This cover explains why hippies shouldn't have been allowed to make their own album covers. Sketchy, art-school dropout drawing style? Inexplicably naked children and naked adults? More hair than a wig factory?

I'm just glad that he drew so many lightning bolts. Without those, I wouldn't have had a fucking clue that the album apparently contains electronic music!

Violet Cohn - More from Violet Cohn

I'm not sure how to read Violet's facial expression here. Either she's been constipated for days and is waiting for her prunes to kick in, or she's completely forgotten that she was supposed to have a photo taken for her album cover and is wondering who in the hell these strange people with cameras are that came into her house and scared her cats. I'm thinking it might be the latter since she apparently took the time to pick out the dress that acted as the best camoflage against her floral print wallpaper.

(as the watermark states, this image also comes courtesy of Bizarre Records)

Christian Crusaders - Christian Crusaders with Al Davis

Given superpowers by the divine love of Jesus Christ, the Christian Crusaders are a crack team of superheroes designed to spread His love across the land! They are:
The Rotund Reverend: He loves Jesus almost as much as he loves food!
Miss Anorexia: She may be wiry, but she has nerves of steel hardened by her faith!
The Midget: A pint-sized soldier in His army, he's still no slouch when it comes to fighting in His name!
Featuring special guest star Emperor Palpatine!