LaVerne Tripp - The World of Laverne Tripp

"Oh I'll get my reward all right! A reward of ETERNAL GLOBAL DOMINATION! I'm going to have to get rid of this leisure suit first, though. Isn't really becoming of the future WORLD EMPREROR TRIPP! Shit, playing with this overhead projector is fun, Marlene was right."

Kenny Rodgers - Kenny Loves Jesus (1981)

"Kenny, Jesus said he only likes you as a friend! He's starting to get kind of worried that you might be obsessing over Him a tad too much! Now please take off that tuxedo. I don't think He's going to spontaneously decide to marry you after seeing how you carved up that tree."

(Image taken from Bizarre Records)

Carl Preacher - Just Jesus and Me

It's so sweet that Carl made a nest in his hair for Jesus to roost in.

The Ministers Quartet - Let Me Touch Him

No offense, but I'd rather not let your guys' hands get within 50 feet of anybody. In fact, I get the sneaking suspicion that these four are responsible for the invention of the restraining order.

Christian Crusaders - Christian Crusaders with Al Davis

Given superpowers by the divine love of Jesus Christ, the Christian Crusaders are a crack team of superheroes designed to spread His love across the land! They are:
The Rotund Reverend: He loves Jesus almost as much as he loves food!
Miss Anorexia: She may be wiry, but she has nerves of steel hardened by her faith!
The Midget: A pint-sized soldier in His army, he's still no slouch when it comes to fighting in His name!
Featuring special guest star Emperor Palpatine!

The Reverend Gusta Booker - The Day Death Died!!! (1983)

You can never use too many exclamation points!!! This goes double if you're making profoundly nonsensical statements!!! They lend your album's title that touch of class and elegance that it needs to make people want to listen to it!!! It's great!!!

Ray Thornley - Ray Thornley Entertains, Vol. 1

For supposedly entertaining others, Ray looks extremely non-plussed. His slight sneer and uncomfortable body language suggest that he really doesn't give a rat's ass about any of the people he's entertaining, and to be quite frank he probably hates what he does from an aesthetic standpoint. Given the bizarre electronics on his organ, it's entirely possible that he doesn't even play the organ himself, choosing instead to merely program the machine to do his bidding, causing the sham that is his pathetic existence to be revealed even further. But hey, recommendations from The Organist don't come every day, so I suppose you have to do what you have to do.

Mylon LeFevre - Weak at the Knees (1977)

You know, the term "fashion disaster" doesn't seem nearly damning enough in this instance. This guy's outfit is so outrageously bad that it seems like it needs a new term to describe it. Maybe we should start calling extreme cases like this one "fashion holocausts." It's impossible to get too hyperbolic with this outfit, after all.

The Murk Family - Love for All Seasons

Mom had a shitload of floral print fabric on hand and, god damn it, she was going to use it all! I think even the dad's shirt is made out of the stuff. I guess it could've been worse and she could've similarly dressed up the brother (though she might've anyway since I can't get a good look on that shirt of his), horse, and dog, but I think she finally figured out that there's more important things to do after a nuclear holocaust has hit than making sure everybody's clothes match.

Jerry Falwell - Where Are the Dead?

Unless the question in the title is rhetorical, this has to be one of the stupidest fucking album covers I've ever seen.

The Gospel Tidings - Get Away Satan

These people are so collectively ugly that I'm sure Satan wouldn't want anything to do with them in the first place. "Send these guys to hell? Are you nuts? These people think avocado green actually looks good on them! They're too stupid to be evil! And stop bothering me about tempting the McKeithens. They ain't cutting it either."

The McKeithens - The McKiethen's

While the McKeithens as a whole are an ugly, ugly family and I could describe the flaws of each for possibly two or three pages, what concerns me most is the mother's hair. It looks terrifyingly unreal, almost as if some space alien replaced her hair with an egg sac and in a few minutes a bunch of space parasites are going to burst from it and latch themselves onto her extremely mannish daughter, or maybe the grinning idiot in the back.

Captain Hook and his Christian Pirate Crew - Shiver My Timbers!

I really can't blame the vaguely devil-looking guy in the corner for boycotting this whole thing; when I think pirates, I generally think of drinking rum and adventuring, not reading scripture. Hell, they can't even get stereotyped pirate lingo correct for the title; that "my" should clearly be a "me."

I do have to wonder who "Sharkey" is, though, and why he's just as important as the singalongs and the scripture. Is this some long forgotten part of the bible with an emphasis on walking the plank and pieces of eight? "And Sharkey did turn the bilgewater into rum, and let the whole become mutilated so that they could be outfitted with hooks and peg legs. And then Sharkey said unto the masses 'Arr, let's be pillagin' in the name of the Lord, me hearties!'" (Sharkey 3:25)

Ira North - If I Were a Woman

Looking at Ira, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what he'd be like as a woman.

The Travellers - A World of Our Own

In about 5 minutes, the world of their own is going to involve the term "death by train."

A.A. Allen - I Am Lucifer

At this point, A.A. Allen isn't even pretending that he's not the antichrist anymore. Revealing a previously-undisclosed crossdressing fetish, he reveals himself to be the lord of darkness, and with his army of crying demons in tow he shall go up against that multiple-homicide perpetrator God and his army of healed broken hearts.

Man, I really want to live in whatever weirdo fantasy world A.A. Allen lives in now. Either that, or score whatever drugs he was on, even if that means I'll have to participate in a Teen Challenge.

Dr. Jack van Impe - Hell Without Hell

"Hell without Hell"? What in the fuck does that mean? Granted, after seeing such statements as "God is a killer" I should be used to this sort of thing by now, but this statement doesn't make any goddamned sense! The poorly-drawn demon on the cover sure doesn't seem to know what Jack's talking about, and the even the cover itself seems confused on the subject. "Is it the grave?" it asks feebly. "I mean, that is it, right? Isn't it? Maybe one of these names of hells in other cultures? Maybe that's it? I don't know."

It sure doesn't look like we'll get any clarification from Dr. van Impe himself, at least; he looks like one cold, cruel motherfucker.

Teen Challenge Addicts Choir

The real teen challenge is trying to figure out precisely why they'd show a photo of somebody shooting up on the cover of an album of teenagers who supposedly gave up that sort of thing after accepting Jesus. Do they really think we're too dumb to know how people do drugs? Is this their way of trying to prove that "SEE THESE KIDS REALLY DID DO DRUGS WATCH WHILE SOMEBODY INJECTS SOME OF THE GOOD STUFF INTO THEM"? I think I should just file this under "christian dualities that just don't make sense" just like I've seen on half of these damned christian-themed covers.

Jiggers - Story Time

Hey gang! You're probably wondering how a 2 foot tall puppet such as myself got on the back of this huge horse! I have no idea either! All I know is that it seems really angry at me and the world in general. I'd love to dismount, but I'm just a puppet, so I can't even do that! What I'm trying to say, kids, is when I eventually get bucked off and crushed underneath this massive beast's pounding hooves, just tell my wife that I love her.

A.A. Allen - God Is a Killer!

After seeing two of A.A. Allen's other album covers, which feature a horrible chest wound and a cross-eyed black man, I'm really starting to wonder just what in the hell Allen's religious views are.

I'm starting to get the sneaking suspicion that Allen wasn't really a preacher at all, but rather a serial killer that used religion as a front to find his victims. The chest wound depicted on Healer of Broken Hearts was a real one; the black man on Crying Demons was actually driven insane by Allen's torture before being brutally murdered. Here, we see that Allen's hubris has no bounds. He knows he can never be caught. He is even akin to God himself in how utterly untouchable he is. Oh yeah, and he's a killer.

This might not make a lot of sense, but I'm not sure what sort of sense I'm supposed to get out of Allen's work in the first place.