Main Source - Breaking Atoms (1991)

"So you see, when you split open atoms by placing them inside this blue sea-shelly thing, delicious jawbreakers fly out! Ha! And they said that nuclear fission was dangerous!"

Tony Tee - Time to Get Physical (1988)

I really don't know what's more pathetic here; the fact that Tony clearly needs the two huge guys to hold up his barbell for him (which isn't even that heavy by the looks of it) or the fact that the woman in the weird spandex/technicolor diaper arrangement looks like she's about to kick Tony's ass.If rap is a game designed to make its participants seem as masculine as possible, Tony has lost. Big time.

Big Moe - City of Syrup (2000)

Up until now, I never realized that purple drank looked like a really lousy photoshop filter effect. Thankfully, Big Moe saw fit to demonstrate this for me while he was destroying Tokyo. Thanks Big Moe!

Soulja Slim - Give It 2 'Em Raw (1998)

Well there certainly is no better way of giving it to somebody raw than starting World War III.

Ms. Tee - Having Thing$!! (1995)

Ms. Tee realizes that "doin' thangs" just isn't all that exciting. What's really important is having things, such as really blurry photographs on album covers, ugly upholstered chairs, and non-descript framed images of what appears to be the interior of someone's colon. She hasn't quite progressed up to having the good stuff, but at least she has things, and that's all that counts.

Adman - Jammin' (2002)

If this photo had only been taken a few seconds later, I think we would've witnessed the very first vehicular homicide ever committed to an album cover. You know what they say; live fast, have an image of yourself crudely superimposed over a photo of a fast car, get mocked by a guy on the internet, die young.

Bobcat - I'm Cool (1989)

No you're not.

Young MC - Ain't Goin' Out Like That (2000)

You know, if I called myself Young MC, I'd have to agree with the sentiment of the album title. I mean, I wouldn't want to go out looking chubby and middle-aged either. I also wouldn't want to go out having released an album whose cover looked like it took 5 minutes to make using one of those bargain-bin "MAKE YOUR OWN CD COVERS 100s OF FREE DESIGNS" discs that you always find sitting next to the CDs that claim they have thousands of free fonts on them and the ones that have 8 billion different ways to play poker.

Having said all this, I can conclude, despite his importance as a rapper back in the 80s, that Young MC is one of the biggest failures of all time.

Mr. Big Drawlz - Prelude to Prosperity (2006)

It could've been a decently low-key album cover: our rapper, Mr. Big Drawlz, with a suitably thuggish portrait, standing out in the streets. Not necessarily a great album cover, but a fitting one. Then comes the big question: why the stretched-out photo inserted into the background? Specifically, why the stretched-out photo of Mr. Big Drawlz holding a gigantic pair of briefs? Is this meant to be an explanation for his unusual moniker? A sign that he wears them? None of this makes any sense.

About the album's title: I don't forsee any prosperity coming your way, Drawlz. If someone's going to buy a rap album, they're going to buy one that doesn't have a gigantic pair of men's underwear on the front.

Big Bear - Doin' Thangs (1998)

Occasionally, album covers are so terrible or so ridiculous that they almost become awesome again. This is a perfect example. The entire scene is so ridiculous that it's hard not to like it on some level. The bears, all blinged out and drinking out of impossibly huge pimp cups. Big Bear himself in the middle of the cave, sharing his bounty of nuts, berries, and blunts. The constant use of lens flares. The fact that words "Big Bear" are made out of slowly-dripping honey. If nothing else, you really have to admire Big Bear for sticking so doggedly to a theme. Of course then you start imagining these bears in the 'hood, getting into a turf war with a gang of pumas, and then the Yogi Bear theme starts up in my head and the whole concept starts falling apart.