Birth Control - Operation (Alternate Cover) (1971)

Quite a while ago, I took these guys to task for one cover of their album Operation, which featured a katydid chewing up human babies. What I didn't realize at the time is that apparently Birth Control's album covers came in a variety of different forms. I wasn't surprised to learn, of course, that most of these alternate forms were just as shitty.

Therefore, we have this alternate take on Operation. Instead of a giant insect committing infanticide, we see some sort of eel inside a water-filled condom. Like with most of Birth Control's covers, I really have no idea what this has to do with the concept of birth control, if anything. I mean, the idea "wear a condom or else a giant eel will come out of your penis and destroy your girlfriend's cervix" is juuust a bit insane.

Scorpions - Virgin Killer (original cover) (1976)

This cover stands head and shoulders above any I've ever seen. It's in such bad taste as to render the cover difficult to even look at. It plays off of societal taboos in a way that's crass and exploitative in the worst possible sense. It features a naked preteen posing suggestively with a broken glass starburst over her genitals. My friends, this is Virgin Killer.

How does an album cover like this come about? Apparently, the band's record label asked for a shocking cover, and they sure as hell got one. They got one so bad that even the band themselves started to have second thoughts about what they had done. The fact that the cover got pulled and replaced with a generic group photo of the band suggests that the record label figured that out perhaps just a tad too late.

So congratulations to you, Scorpions. You somehow managed to make the worst album cover ever. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

Birth Control - Operation (1971)

Tying in with the previous album cover of theirs that I've covered, if you don't use birth control, apparently a giant grasshopper will, uh, eat a bunch of babies for some poorly-defined reason. I'm not sure if this is a step up from a dayglo fetus in a dumpster yet or not, but at least you can give these guys credit for sticking to a theme. Even when it feels like their theme was inspired by taking a shitload of drugs.

Adrian - One Step into the Uncertain (1989)

With this one, you can tell that the artist completely blew their artistic load on the whatever-it-is that's assailing my favorite norse rock god Val Hallen, then completely forgot about drawing, well, anything else at all. I can hear the excuses now: "Well, uh, the battle is taking place on a distant world enshrouded by blue fog... and no, those aren't deformed marshmallows, they're eggs. Seriously."

The goofy pose is also great. It makes it look like Val has something really great in his hands and the monster is trying desperately to look over his shoulder and see what it is.

Brainstorm - Smile a While (1972)

After this, I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to smile again.

Scorpions - Moment of Glory (2000)

Scorpions set out to prove that not only did T-Rexes exist, they looked simply FABULOUS!

Birth Control - Believe in the Pill (1972)

Believe in the pill or you'll end up dumping your malformed neon-pink fetus in a trash can next to some rotting food and a busted pair of aviators. This seems like a reasonable enough message, except for actually, you know, providing us with an image to go by. I guess we should at least be thankful that the band didn't try to go down a Chumbawamba-esque route and make the fetus look more realistic or actually have it be a real fetus.

Scorpions - Lovedrive (alternate cover) (1979)

To be fair, Scorpions were eventually clued in to the fact that pictures of melting tits don't exactly cause albums to fly off the shelves, and thus were forced to change the cover of Lovedrive. In order to accomplish this, they decided to hire out the work to a cheap tattoo parlor for a few cartons of cigarettes and a bottle of Everclear. Granted, it's less terrible than the original cover, but that's only because it would've been difficult to make it worse.

Scorpions - Lovedrive (original cover) (1979)

I have no idea how Scorpions managed to get the usually-reliable Hipgnosis to go along with this concept (or how they got them to go along with the cover to Animal Magnetism), but it should be obvious that this is pretty bad. The worst of it is that I don't even know what the point of this cover is. Maybe the moral of the cover is "if your hand is covered in bubblegum and you try to feel up a woman who just got out of the shower, you're in for rough sailing." Or maybe "if you're a swarthy Adam Corolla impersonator, your skin will have a 50% chance of chemically bonding with the flesh of bored, elderly brunettes." Or maybe "Scorpions should have never had a career in music, period."

Knorkator - Hasenchartbreaker (1999)

Knorkator are not a band that take themselves seriously, which is something I can respect in a way. They realize full-well that KISS makeup just makes people look retarded most of the time, so they decided to go with it to make themselves look stupid, I guess. I know it's in good fun and all, but this really just isn't a good album cover. The color saturation is off, everyone looks like they've been lobotomized, and the unnaturally whitened teeth everyone is sporting just makes them look weird (to say nothing of the receding hairline on the guy on the left).

Knorkator: proving that KISS aren't the only ugly, middle-aged schmucks wearing stupid clown makeup.

Eulenspygel - Eulenspygel 2 (1971)

What a perfectly wonderful album cover! A live baby chick standing on top of a charred, dead baby chick laying on top of a fried egg in a frying pan. And people were bitching about Faith No More letting a fish flop around out of water for a few seconds in their music video for "Epic"!

I think this is supposed to be a warning of some sort, along the lines of "this is your brain after listening to German prog rock."

Scorpions - Fly to the Rainbow (1974)

This is just goofy. If the rainbow banner and weird-ass pink helmet weren't bad enough, the guy is standing on two miniature prop planes. Gay pride and aviation make for a weird combination to begin with, so adding metal to mix just makes me think that Scorpions were high on something when they came up with the idea.

Accept - Balls to the Wall (1984)

I crack jokes about the unintentional homoeroticism of some album covers and all, but I'm honestly not sure how else to interpret this one. It's literally a crotch shot of some hairy guy wearing leather hot pants. And I'm really not sure what this has to do with heavy metal music. Some mysteries are best left unsolved I suppose.

Scorpions - Animal Magnetism (1980)

From a design standpoint, this album cover is actually really competent and well-shot. From most ther standpoints, it's just awful. Ha ha get it the woman is attracted to the man just like the dog is because he has so much animal magnetism! Because women are just dumb animals who are only good for making babies and can't drive! Plus they're bad at math I mean what the hell!!!

Fun fact: the original title for this album was "Dumb Bitches," but their record company decided they should tone it down a bit.

Dschinghis Khan - Moskau (1979)

Dschinghis Khan are nothing if not a democratic little group. They have something for everybody! There's the dashing, bat-winged sultan, the black-garbage-bag-and-rope wearing pirate, the charming red flight attendant, the head on a green end-table, the extra from a third-rate sci-fi movie, and the canary lady! Together, they form a band whose one goal in life is to sing about Moscow and nothing but! Who said Germany didn't favor multiculturalism?

Heino - Liebe Mutter... (1971)

While loving one's mother is a sweet thing to do and all, it doesn't help me figure out just what the hell Heino's gender is supposed to be. I look into his/her's gigantic glasses and stare into those blue, bugged eyes and no answer comes to me. The fuller lips SUGGEST that Heino is female, but their overall facial structure seems to suggest otherwise. The cute roses obscure Heino's upper body, making it difficult to ascertain secondary sexual characteristics. When I look at an album cover, I don't really want it to turn into a game of "guess the gender of the creepy Teutonic 'It's Pat,'" especially not when anyone's mother is involved.