Velvett Fogg - Velvett Fogg (1969)

As much as I love bare breasts, and as much as I'm not opposed to the concept of the Summer of Love, this album cover manages to make both seem really unpalatable. Let's face it, any album cover that manages to make bare breasts seem like a terrible thing is committing some serious crimes against nature. And what's with the androgynous cowboy thing in the back? Or that ghostly guy? And what's with the feather boas? This cover is starting to make my head hurt. Curse you, 1960s!

Jim O'Rourke - Insignificance (2001)

There's nothing I'd like to see more than a fat, mustached, hairy-chested transvestite wearing bright pink stockings and a sheer tank top sitting in a chair looking depressed while holding the string to a weird toy duck. Actually, I misspoke. What I meant to say was I'd never like to see that at all, period.

The Cooper Family - I'm God's Child

Q: How long is it going to take the rest of the Cooper family to figure out that "mom" is actually Dustin Hoffman in drag?
A: About as long as it's going to take them to realize that they've been living in a medieval dungeon for the past 10 years.

The Village People - Renaissance (1981)

The early-80s attempt by the Village People to remake their image as a New Wave act didn't work out so well. This is largely due to the fact that the Village People's idea of what New Wave looked like was along the lines of "gay Kabuki theater, with dumber hair and leather bar outfits." When you have even the black people in your group donning pancake makeup, you should probably rethink your strategy a bit.

Heino - Liebe Mutter... (1971)

While loving one's mother is a sweet thing to do and all, it doesn't help me figure out just what the hell Heino's gender is supposed to be. I look into his/her's gigantic glasses and stare into those blue, bugged eyes and no answer comes to me. The fuller lips SUGGEST that Heino is female, but their overall facial structure seems to suggest otherwise. The cute roses obscure Heino's upper body, making it difficult to ascertain secondary sexual characteristics. When I look at an album cover, I don't really want it to turn into a game of "guess the gender of the creepy Teutonic 'It's Pat,'" especially not when anyone's mother is involved.