Formula 3 - Sognando e Risognando (1972)

I didn't know that cutting a woman in half could actually be made more creepy and disgusting, but these guys sure managed to figure it out. I guess they figured that if they made the body look like a bad blow-up doll of a corpse, they could get away with the whole bisection thing without it seeming too terrible. Of course, they failed to realize that even having that idea for an album cover in the first place is terrible in and of itself.

Ted Nugent - Love Grenade (2007)

You hear that, women with breast cancer? Ted Nugent says "Fuck you!"

Amazingly, this is actually less demeaning to women than the original, unused version of this album cover:

Cannibal Corpse - Worm-Infested (2003)

While this might not really be the worst or most shocking album cover by Cannibal Corpse standards (mostly due to the lack of extreme amounts of gore), this one is still pretty damned bad in its own right. The gigantic amount of wormy tentacles trying to make their way into the girl's most special of places is already bad enough, but then there's the gigantic gaping maw of hell in the background that gives new meaning to the term "vagina dentata." Maybe this means I'm meant to psychoanalyze this, Freud style, to figure out just what the band's sexual hangups are that would result in them putting things like bloody raped corpses on most of their album covers, but most of me doesn't really want to know.

XXX Maniak - Harvesting the Cunt Nectar (2004)

You know, I don't usually expect much from grindcore and its variants when it comes to album covers. They're gory, stupid, and attempt to shock the viewer with whatever means necessary. This, however, seems pretty low even for the genre. I mean, come on, gouging out a woman's vaginal area with a shovel? The random sexual organs just scattered around in the frame for who-knows-what reason? Even the name feels kind of forced in its "outrageousness." And metal fans wonder why they're often considered socially-maladjusted deviants.

Billy Devroe - Broad Minded

Possible thoughts going through Billy Devroe's head on this album cover:
1) "Man, don't tell me that ditzy dame Tina's going to try to scare me by sneaking up on me again. When's she going to learn that it never works?"
2) "Aw fuck, I killed another one. I really hope the judge lets me off light this time."
3) "Man, all of these girls and I'm not attracted to a single one. I really oughta come out of the closet."
4) No thoughts are actually going through his head. This is just how he looks whenever he drinks himself into a stupor.

Elliot Lawrence - Music for Trapping (Tender, That Is)

Yeah I think I'd have that sort of expression on my face too if I discovered that the guy I was dating was a PSYCHOTIC SERIAL KILLER HELL-BENT ON BEHEADING ME AND STICKING ME ON THE WALL LIKE SOME SICK TROPHY. I bet if you look in his closet he already has most of his woman-skin suit ready too.

Poison - Open Up and Say... Ahh! (original cover) (1988)

If this is meant to be demonic, this is the least threatening demonic presence I've ever seen. It looks like some woman couldn't decide whether she wanted to be a cat, filthy white-trash, or Gene Simmons for Halloween and tried to haphazardly combine qualities of all three.

For some reason or another, this cover was actually banned. I can only hope that it was banned for being almost inconcievably stupid, but given that the 80s was the time of the PMRC I get the feeling that this cover was somehow actually viewed as being a threat, which just makes me feel really, really sad.

Cerrone - Cerrone's Paradise (1976)

My personal paradise also involves nude women giving themselves back problems on ancient appliances and wearing a dorky leisure suit while some mysterious white substance congeals on the floor! It's like Cerrone and I are cut from the same swarthy, hairy cloth!

Scorpions - Lovedrive (original cover) (1979)

I have no idea how Scorpions managed to get the usually-reliable Hipgnosis to go along with this concept (or how they got them to go along with the cover to Animal Magnetism), but it should be obvious that this is pretty bad. The worst of it is that I don't even know what the point of this cover is. Maybe the moral of the cover is "if your hand is covered in bubblegum and you try to feel up a woman who just got out of the shower, you're in for rough sailing." Or maybe "if you're a swarthy Adam Corolla impersonator, your skin will have a 50% chance of chemically bonding with the flesh of bored, elderly brunettes." Or maybe "Scorpions should have never had a career in music, period."

Boxer - Below the Belt (1975)

Retarded Internet Catchphrases Made Literal #483: "punch her in the cunt"

CX Kidtronik - Krak Attack (2006)

While this album cover is really childish and stupid, I guess I have to give it slight credit for not taking the concept to its logical conclusion like the Bloodhound Gang might have. Then again, this feels like crediting a virus for only making me nauseous as opposed to making me vomit up blood.

Blowfly - On Tour

If Blowfly's ridiculous little lucha libre outfit weren't enough to throw this album cover firmly into the realm of the ridiculous, having part of the album's title tweak that black girl's nipple definitely takes the cake.

Going by the cover alone, I'm not sure if I should expect something sexy with this album's music or something that sounds like mexican wrestling. Maybe it's sexy mexican wrestling. As interpreted entirely by black people. It can't be any worse than hearing Ken take requests.

Boney M - Love for Sale (1977)

At first glance, this album cover may seem like just another retarded 1970s disco cover, one whose blatant sexism has gone so far over the top that's become as nasty as the carpet our main man is wearing on his chest. But probe deeper. What seems to be blatant sexism is actually an intelligently concocted political statement about the hedonism of the disco scene of the late 70s. The women are slaves to overwhelming lust, passion, and the whims of effete playboys who could not care less about them and would gladly exchange their company for money with which to fuel their debauched lifestyle. The chains also tie into the issue of race; these women literally become slaves, harkening back to the destruction of African homelands and the exploitation of black labor in the Americas, our male lead being a traitor of the highest caliber as he sells his own blood, his own heritage, in an attempt to gain money and power from a group that does not respect him at all. Truly, this album cover is a tribute to the genius of music's ability to expand our minds and our horizons.

...on second thought, after examining the album cover further, in particular our male lead's silver codpiece, I reverse my analysis. This is the product of a shallow and sexist culture in which people actually did stupid things like hang out at Studio 54 or let Styx albums hit the Top 10 instead of the bottom of a trash can. Intellectual crisis averted!

Scorpions - Animal Magnetism (1980)

From a design standpoint, this album cover is actually really competent and well-shot. From most ther standpoints, it's just awful. Ha ha get it the woman is attracted to the man just like the dog is because he has so much animal magnetism! Because women are just dumb animals who are only good for making babies and can't drive! Plus they're bad at math I mean what the hell!!!

Fun fact: the original title for this album was "Dumb Bitches," but their record company decided they should tone it down a bit.

Richard & Willie - Funky Honkey, Nasty Nigger (1975)

This cover is just so wrong on a lot of levels. The provocative title, the look on the puppeteer's face that less suggests pleasure and more suggests a form of mild retardation, his ridiculous little bowtie, the fact that he's recieving a blowjob from a woman who's holding up a tiny American flag for whatever reason. It's so goddamned goofy and in such bad taste that it almost crashes through the barrier and goes from being a really bad album cover to being really awesome. Almost.