Various Artists - M'm! M'm! Good!

Another product placement album (for Campbell's Soups of all fucking things) and this one is just goddamned inexplicable. The mother's so hopped up on thorazine she's starting to think that she's Popeye while her porcine little runt is so piggish that you could probably cut him into slabs and sell him as bacon. And boy, nothing aids the digestion of Campbell's Soup quite like the Ray Coniff Singers, or Jim "Gomer Pyle" Nabors.

(Image comes courtesy of Bizarre Records)

LaVerne Tripp - The World of Laverne Tripp

"Oh I'll get my reward all right! A reward of ETERNAL GLOBAL DOMINATION! I'm going to have to get rid of this leisure suit first, though. Isn't really becoming of the future WORLD EMPREROR TRIPP! Shit, playing with this overhead projector is fun, Marlene was right."

Crosby, Stills & Nash - Live It Up (1990)

Ah yes, whenever I think of the smooth, folky melodies of Crosby, Stills, and Nash, what immediately come to mind for me are giant hot dogs. On the moon.

Master Gunnery Sergeant Bill Dower - Armed Forces Workout (1984)

You can't get much better than the intense look on this poor guy's face. It suggests a combination of sheer tenacity, blind rage, and a touch of masochistic stupidity, which are all qualities apparently sought by the U.S. Armed Forces. I've never really pretended to understand the mindset of those who need to buy a workout video/album that shouts like crazy at them, but at least I can make fun of the covers.

Zen - Hair (1969)

This is a promotional still from the little-known original concept version of the movie Mannequin. Instead of featuring Kim Catrall as a department store mannequin come to life, this version featured an army of blank, soulless mannequins attempting to take over the world. Kind of like zombies if zombies happened to be made of wood. In this scene, we see an army of them surrounding and about to destroy a pack of hapless hippies on their way to a love-in.

Michael Jackson - Ben (original cover) (1972)

People try to trace exactly where Michael Jackson started to go wrong. Was it his horrible childhood growing up in Gary? The stratospheric fame in the 80s that turned his head all wrong? Personally, I believe that things started to go awry as early as the 70s, when Michael sang a ballad about a rat and was featured on an album cover with a bunch of rats. That's the sort of thing that's likely to mess with anyone's head.

Finch - Beyond Expression (1976)

It's not often that I agree with an album's title, but really, what can you say about a monstrous disembodied heart that's spewing fire from its innards?

At least A.A. Allen didn't name this. He probably would've called it "The Healer of Heartburns."

Elvis Costello - Spike (1989)

Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here? I love Elvis Costello dearly, but I'd really like to know where the hell Costello got the idea that what we'd love to see most on an album cover is his creepy, disembodied head mounted to a wall. I'm not even going to get into the clown makeup applied over his facial hair. Jesus, this is the stuff of nightmares.

A Day of Fun at the Circus

Hey, my idea of fun at the circus is ALSO carpetbombing the circus along and the 10 mile radius surrounding it, dressing up like Emmett Kelly, and looking sad amongst the rubble and body parts. It's like the guys who made this album cover could READ MY MIND!

Bruce Haack - The Electronic Record for Children (1969)

This cover explains why hippies shouldn't have been allowed to make their own album covers. Sketchy, art-school dropout drawing style? Inexplicably naked children and naked adults? More hair than a wig factory?

I'm just glad that he drew so many lightning bolts. Without those, I wouldn't have had a fucking clue that the album apparently contains electronic music!

Birth Control - Operation (1971)

Tying in with the previous album cover of theirs that I've covered, if you don't use birth control, apparently a giant grasshopper will, uh, eat a bunch of babies for some poorly-defined reason. I'm not sure if this is a step up from a dayglo fetus in a dumpster yet or not, but at least you can give these guys credit for sticking to a theme. Even when it feels like their theme was inspired by taking a shitload of drugs.

Jim Post - I Love My Life (1978)

I don't know, Jim, something about that thousand-yard stare and sour look on your face make me think you're deluding yourself. You want to come across as being sexy, I'm sure, but you can't bring yourself to go that extra mile, can you Jim? You simply can't reconcile your desires with what you already know about your sad, horrible little life, can you? Let's face it, Jim; you don't love anything. You just want to die.

Mario Rossi - Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf

I don't quite recall the portion of Peter and the Wolf where a middle-aged soccer mom in a frumpy black dress shoots the wolf, has it stuffed, then attempts the world's most inept suicide by shooting. Must've missed that part.

Barry Louis Polisar - I Eat Kids and Other Songs for Rebellious Children (1975)

You can't get much better than the look of abject terror on the kids' face. It's as if someone just told the kid what the name of the album was.

Airman!!: United States Air Force Basic Training in Sound

"OK SOLDIER, I WANT YOU TO MOO LIKE A COW LIKE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!"
"SORRY SIR! I AM DEATHLY AFRAID OF CATTLE, SIR! I JUST SHIT MY PANTS, SIR!"

Captain Hook and his Christian Pirate Crew - Shiver My Timbers!

I really can't blame the vaguely devil-looking guy in the corner for boycotting this whole thing; when I think pirates, I generally think of drinking rum and adventuring, not reading scripture. Hell, they can't even get stereotyped pirate lingo correct for the title; that "my" should clearly be a "me."

I do have to wonder who "Sharkey" is, though, and why he's just as important as the singalongs and the scripture. Is this some long forgotten part of the bible with an emphasis on walking the plank and pieces of eight? "And Sharkey did turn the bilgewater into rum, and let the whole become mutilated so that they could be outfitted with hooks and peg legs. And then Sharkey said unto the masses 'Arr, let's be pillagin' in the name of the Lord, me hearties!'" (Sharkey 3:25)

Scorpions - Moment of Glory (2000)

Scorpions set out to prove that not only did T-Rexes exist, they looked simply FABULOUS!

Bonnie Prudden - Fitness for Baby and You

a.k.a. "Here's another completely pointless activity you can force your child into to make you feel better about being a housewife with a dead-end life desperately trying to beautify yourself for a husband who probably doesn't give two shits about you and is most likely cheating on you with that cute girl down at the office."

Aaron Carter - Aaron Carter (1998)

All across the world, pedophiles with an "Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks" fetish are fantasizing about this image. I can just feel it.

The Trousdale Strings and the Dawn Chorale - The Best of Walt Disney

"Well guys, it looks like we got permission to do an album of Disney songs, but they blocked us from actually using Disney characters on the album cover. Fear not, though, because I think I have a solution! I have a daughter who just started preschool and really loves to fingerpaint. Kids fingerpaint, kids love Disney, it all works out!"