Friday, August 31, 2007

Velvett Fogg - Velvett Fogg (1969)

As much as I love bare breasts, and as much as I'm not opposed to the concept of the Summer of Love, this album cover manages to make both seem really unpalatable. Let's face it, any album cover that manages to make bare breasts seem like a terrible thing is committing some serious crimes against nature. And what's with the androgynous cowboy thing in the back? Or that ghostly guy? And what's with the feather boas? This cover is starting to make my head hurt. Curse you, 1960s!

The Wurzels - The Combine Harvester (1976)

Ha ha ha! Man, accidents involving farm equipment are such a hoot! You can just IMAGINE the guy on the ground getting slowly ground up into an indistinguishable paste! And look at his friends! They're so happy about this possible turn of events! I've got to tell you, there's nothing like being drunk and stupid on a farm!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Aerosmith - Get a Grip (1993)

Hi, "dudes!" We're the band Aerosmith! You might know us as a bunch of washed-up old guys your parents listened to. We, "like, totally" know what you're thinking, "man," but we're still totally "rad" and "hip" and "with it." Check this "radical" album we just put out! We know that "pierced nipples" are "totally hot" so we thought it'd be really "bodacious" to put one on our album cover. Even the album's name is "too cool for school"! So "don't have a cow, man," and buy our new record! We know you'll think it's "totally rad to the max"! "Cowabunga, dudes!"

Jo Basile - Accordion de Paris (1959)

I like how whoever was responsible for this album cover figured that your average suburban 1950s businessman or homebody wouldn't have a damned clue that an album was supposed to be French in origin if they didn't make it really blatantly obvious. I mean, playing a game of "count the stereotypes" is yielding scores I previously thought were unattainable. Unfortunately, these same marketers made a crucial error in assuming that your average white suburban individual of the 1950s would be interested in music from a bunch of Frenchies in the first place. Ah, c'est la vie.

Fall Out Boy - Evening Out with Your Girlfriend (2003)

Before Fall Out Boy became mopey, dopey purveyors of emo whining suitable for listening to while wearing your librarian sweater and giant, black-framed glasses, Fall Out Boy were apparently a bunch of misguided dorks leering at an ugly girl while surrounded by eye-searing colors. Well, actually they're still a bunch of misguided dorks, but at least their embrace of the mopier side of life has improved their design skills a tad.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Fireballet - Two, Too... (1976)

Rateyourmusic tells me that this is the last album Fireballet ever released. I suspect this is because putting all of your ugly, hairy male band members on the cover of your album wearing tutus and frolicking around is considered to be a career-ending move in certain parts of the world. Making awful puns on top of that just seals the deal.

Finch - Beyond Expression (1976)

It's not often that I agree with an album's title, but really, what can you say about a monstrous disembodied heart that's spewing fire from its innards?

At least A.A. Allen didn't name this. He probably would've called it "The Healer of Heartburns."

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Sebadoh - Bakesale (1994)

I can't really fault Mrs. Barlow for taking this photo of her one year old son. She probably had no idea that, years later, he'd decide to use this candid photo as the cover to one of his albums. If anything, this just proves a point about baby photos; if you thought they were embarassing stashed in an old photo album in your mother's house, they don't become any less embarassing when you put them on the cover of a mass-produced album so that the whole world can see it.

Kenny Rodgers - Kenny Loves Jesus (1981)

"Kenny, Jesus said he only likes you as a friend! He's starting to get kind of worried that you might be obsessing over Him a tad too much! Now please take off that tuxedo. I don't think He's going to spontaneously decide to marry you after seeing how you carved up that tree."

(Image taken from Bizarre Records)

Fortran 5 - Avocado Suite (1995)

Not content to merely show someone using the toilet, Fortran 5 decided to go that tasteful extra mile and provided us with a nude man taking a bath. What the album title has to do with either of these things is something I'd rather not think about too hard.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Elvis Costello - Spike (1989)

Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here? I love Elvis Costello dearly, but I'd really like to know where the hell Costello got the idea that what we'd love to see most on an album cover is his creepy, disembodied head mounted to a wall. I'm not even going to get into the clown makeup applied over his facial hair. Jesus, this is the stuff of nightmares.

Abbfinoosty - Out of Abbfinoosty Comes the Storm (1996)

Scouple hints for those wishing to look more menacing on their album cover(s).

1) It's difficult to look menacing when you use a butterfly-wing pattern as part of your album cover's background.
2) It's nearly impossible to look menacing when you look like Tiny Tim's uglier kid brother.
3) Though spooky lighting can make one look more menacing, be sure the lighting doesn't make your skin look like you're a pumpkin with jaundice.

Charles Roy Schroeder, Ph.D - Rope Jumping for Boys and Men (1974)

I like how the "artist" attempted to depict motion in his image, along with how badly they failed at it. The current image doesn't really depict motion as much as it depicts "having a seizure while attempting to draw someone jumping rope."