Fotomaker - Fotomaker (1978)

While this obviously isn't on the same level, as, say, Virgin Killer, there's definitely some implications to this album cover that I don't like in the slightest. At least Fotomaker only made a preteen girl pose her FACE provocatively on an album cover, which is more than I can say about what the Scorpions did, but the makeup sure doesn't help Fotomaker's case out any.

Formula 3 - Sognando e Risognando (1972)

I didn't know that cutting a woman in half could actually be made more creepy and disgusting, but these guys sure managed to figure it out. I guess they figured that if they made the body look like a bad blow-up doll of a corpse, they could get away with the whole bisection thing without it seeming too terrible. Of course, they failed to realize that even having that idea for an album cover in the first place is terrible in and of itself.

Various Artists - M'm! M'm! Good!

Another product placement album (for Campbell's Soups of all fucking things) and this one is just goddamned inexplicable. The mother's so hopped up on thorazine she's starting to think that she's Popeye while her porcine little runt is so piggish that you could probably cut him into slabs and sell him as bacon. And boy, nothing aids the digestion of Campbell's Soup quite like the Ray Coniff Singers, or Jim "Gomer Pyle" Nabors.

(Image comes courtesy of Bizarre Records)

The Beatles - Yesterday and Today (original cover) (1966)

Let's ignore the whole "GREATEST BAND EVER" critical fawning that takes place whenever the Beatles are mentioned for a second and be reasonable here; this cover is fucking awful.

I can't really imagine how an idea this asinine was concocted in the first place. "Let's drape meat and plastic body parts on the Beatles!" sounds like a bad joke, not an actual art project. Even then, using one of said images for an album cover is not only asinine but a huge lapse in judgement. Everyone's favorite mop-topped whatevers covered in meat is not something your average pop fan wants to consider.

Some people consider this album cover to be a brilliant ploy by the Beatles to stick it to the man and make some sort of bold artistic statement. An artistic statement involving meat, I guess. I agree more with George Harrison's take on this whole thing; "I thought it was gross, and I also thought it was stupid. Sometimes we all did stupid things thinking it was cool and hip when it was naïve and dumb; and that was one of them."

Zen - Hair (1969)

This is a promotional still from the little-known original concept version of the movie Mannequin. Instead of featuring Kim Catrall as a department store mannequin come to life, this version featured an army of blank, soulless mannequins attempting to take over the world. Kind of like zombies if zombies happened to be made of wood. In this scene, we see an army of them surrounding and about to destroy a pack of hapless hippies on their way to a love-in.

Mike Melvoin - The Plastic Cow Goes Moooooog (1970)

The plastic cow's lifeless eyes plead with you. Its pitiful cries of "moog" fill your ears. The plastic cow is attempting to tell you something. You can sense that it wants you to pull its plug. The plastic cow realizes its existence is horrible and unnatural. It pleads with you to end its so-called life by merely unplugging its cord, end its futile cries of "moog" once and for all.

(It should be noted that "moog" is actually pronounced to rhyme with "vogue," so Melvoin completely fucked up his stupid pun.)

Michael Jackson - Ben (original cover) (1972)

People try to trace exactly where Michael Jackson started to go wrong. Was it his horrible childhood growing up in Gary? The stratospheric fame in the 80s that turned his head all wrong? Personally, I believe that things started to go awry as early as the 70s, when Michael sang a ballad about a rat and was featured on an album cover with a bunch of rats. That's the sort of thing that's likely to mess with anyone's head.

Elvis Costello - Spike (1989)

Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here? I love Elvis Costello dearly, but I'd really like to know where the hell Costello got the idea that what we'd love to see most on an album cover is his creepy, disembodied head mounted to a wall. I'm not even going to get into the clown makeup applied over his facial hair. Jesus, this is the stuff of nightmares.

The Ministers Quartet - Let Me Touch Him

No offense, but I'd rather not let your guys' hands get within 50 feet of anybody. In fact, I get the sneaking suspicion that these four are responsible for the invention of the restraining order.

The Friends - Songs that Mom and Dad Taught Us

Mom and dad sure taught us a lot, you know. They were so important to us as a band, in fact, that once they died, well, I couldn't bear to see them buried. Instead I took them to the local taxidermist. He was a bit hesitant at first, but after I convinced him of how important they were to me, he went through with the procedure and gave them to me. Now they can sit on their favorite chairs, forever. I even took a photo of it for the album cover!

Jim Post - I Love My Life (1978)

I don't know, Jim, something about that thousand-yard stare and sour look on your face make me think you're deluding yourself. You want to come across as being sexy, I'm sure, but you can't bring yourself to go that extra mile, can you Jim? You simply can't reconcile your desires with what you already know about your sad, horrible little life, can you? Let's face it, Jim; you don't love anything. You just want to die.

Dean Martin - Happiness is Dean Martin (1962)

AUUUGGGH GET IT AWAY FROM ME IT'S STARING INTO MY SOUL IT WANTS TO EAT ME ALIVE HEEELLLPPP

Actually what really makes this cover is Dean's bemused expression. "Huh, would you look at that. This doll just started puking up pea soup all over the place and calling my mother a whore. I must be having a really bad case of the DTs again."

Queen - The Miracle (1988)

I'm pretty sure that anything that would result in you being fused together with your fellow bandmates into a gigantic lumbering monster would be less a miracle and more a horrendous nightmare.

Mom's Apple Pie - Mom's Apple Pie (original cover) (1972)

This cover looks innocent enough at first, if extremely creepy, but sharp eyes will notice that the apple pie, aside from not looking anything at all like an apple pie, has a clearly defined labia/clitoris. Why the hell a pie would have either of those things is anybody's guess, but it makes me wonder if the people behind the American Pie movies knew about this album cover.

Dennis Farnon and his Orchestra - Caution! Men Swinging (1957)

The 50s were a bad era to in which to be a homosexual. Subtlety had to be used when writing about or otherwise depicting homosexuality without being labeled one yourself and thus having your life ruined. This album cover seems to fail on almost every count. Aside from the blatantly obvious name and its implication of gay swingers having a good time, we see blatant phallic imagery in the clarinet and how happy its player seems to be. There is the fact that the clarinet player is straddling a sawhorse in such a way as to make his crotch extremely prominent. And then there's the guy in the foreground, creepily fantasizing about the whole thing. I don't know what the significance of the ladder is, though. I think it's just a ladder.

Vickie Hanson - Vickie Hanson's Aerobic Glow: Fitness in Action

Well the stripes on her shirt certainly make for an interesting optical illusion, until you realize that she's actually wearing those stripes seriously. Then it just becomes ugly.

(The above commentary was provided by my good friend Jeff!)

Celine Dion and Anne Geddes - Miracle (2004)

"Uhm, Celine? The baby's dead, Celine, you can stop cradling it now. No, holding it like that won't make it come back. Celine? I know it's very sad, but you have to just let go. Celene? Celene?"

Jaco Pastorius - Curtain Call (1996)

This just hurts my eyes. A huge, blown-up, blurry picture of someone's face isn't something I want to look at under the best circumstances, but making it a color that's so hard on the eyes doesn't help things any.

Ken Griffin - Let's Have a Party (1958)

And by "let's have a party" I mean "let's all awkwardly stand around the living room and pray for death."

Li'l Richard and his All-Stars - Happy Easter

This album cover features a rare promotional still from the late 50s cult horror film "Attack of the Stuffed Rabbits." Here, we see the film's lead, Richard Towalski, moments before the final showdown in which the stuffed rabbits attempt to tear him limb-from-limb. A must see for all fans of b-movie horror!