Quick Change - Circus of Death (1988)

You are now listening to a metal album. If the metal you are listening to is not sufficiently "face-melting," you may have to resort to ripping your own face off for the proper metal effect. To demonstrate, I have commissioned my 15 year old pothead brother to give us a diagram showing the proper method of ripping off one's own face. He claims that the random green stuff on the side of the image isn't a fully necessary part of the face-ripping experience, but claimed that he had to include it because, to quote, he was "totally feeling it." Thank you.

Various Artists - That Dobro Sound's Goin' Round!

There are so many hilarious things about this cover that it's easiest to just make a list.

1) The fact this photo was obviously taken in a studio warehouse instead of a barn
2) The black on yellow text cheerfully suggesting that this LP is a "collector's item" in much the same way that NASCAR plates and Precious Moments figurines are "collectable."
3) The expression on the vaguely-Jimmy Carter looking guy in the center that seems to be very gleeful about the fact that he suckered a bunch of people into thinking said LP is a collector's item
4) The blonde woman's pose, which suggests a combination of "I had better adjust my helmet made of hair," "I have gone deaf from listening to this music for extended periods of time," and "I am actually a mannequin that the photographer found stashed behind these haybales."
5) The lustful gleam in the eye of the top center dobro player that seems to be directed toward Mr. Polka-Dot Shirt.
6) The names of the artists they got to contribute to this compilation in the first place, especially "Shot Jackson."

Eddie Layton - Great Organ Hits

Eddie only learned how to play the organ because he thought he could pick up chicks. When he discovered that most women don't find playing the organ to be very attractive, he resorted to subliminal attempts to bring attention to his other "organ" in his album covers. His attempts, it should be noted, were not all that subtle.

(this image comes courtesy, again, of Bizarre Records)

Cerys Matthews - Cockahoop (2003)

This album cover proves that no matter how disastrously bad your fashion sense is, you can always make it look that much more ridiculous if you portray yourself with some artwork as drawn by a 10 year old.

The Beatles - Magical Mystery Tour (1967)

Back in the 60s, drugs caused people to do really stupid things they thought were cool at the time. Thus, we have the Beatles dressed up in goofy animal costumes in front of really awful (and awfully dated at this point) psychedelic backdrops. The starburst motif was honestly silly enough, but the American LP cover shown here just made matters worse with the bizarre yellow/blue cloud texture stuff. Not really a high point from an artistic perspective.

The Polyphonics - Zounds! What Sounds

There's no denying it; this is one of the goofiest album covers I've ever seen.

Kenny Rodgers - Kenny Loves Jesus (1981)

"Kenny, Jesus said he only likes you as a friend! He's starting to get kind of worried that you might be obsessing over Him a tad too much! Now please take off that tuxedo. I don't think He's going to spontaneously decide to marry you after seeing how you carved up that tree."

(Image taken from Bizarre Records)

Kenny Loggins - Keep the Fire (1979)

Apparently, not only did the second coming already happen, it appears that everyone's favorite soft-rock movie soundtrack mainstay Kenny Loggins was the chosen one. Now I suddenly don't feel as bad for making fun of all of those Christian album covers.

Main Source - Breaking Atoms (1991)

"So you see, when you split open atoms by placing them inside this blue sea-shelly thing, delicious jawbreakers fly out! Ha! And they said that nuclear fission was dangerous!"

Christian Crusaders - Christian Crusaders with Al Davis

Given superpowers by the divine love of Jesus Christ, the Christian Crusaders are a crack team of superheroes designed to spread His love across the land! They are:
The Rotund Reverend: He loves Jesus almost as much as he loves food!
Miss Anorexia: She may be wiry, but she has nerves of steel hardened by her faith!
The Midget: A pint-sized soldier in His army, he's still no slouch when it comes to fighting in His name!
Featuring special guest star Emperor Palpatine!

The Reverend Gusta Booker - The Day Death Died!!! (1983)

You can never use too many exclamation points!!! This goes double if you're making profoundly nonsensical statements!!! They lend your album's title that touch of class and elegance that it needs to make people want to listen to it!!! It's great!!!

Tony Tee - Time to Get Physical (1988)

I really don't know what's more pathetic here; the fact that Tony clearly needs the two huge guys to hold up his barbell for him (which isn't even that heavy by the looks of it) or the fact that the woman in the weird spandex/technicolor diaper arrangement looks like she's about to kick Tony's ass.If rap is a game designed to make its participants seem as masculine as possible, Tony has lost. Big time.

The Sportsmen Quartet - Barbershop Ballads

If they're so world-famous, why can't they grow their own moustaches? I mean come on, those things are faker than a stripper's chest. Then again, I'm not sure that the guy in the blue sweater has even hit puberty, so it could be a conscious decision.

I love how the guy in the back isn't even attempting to sing, he's just mugging for the camera for all he's worth. It's as if he knows his 15 minutes of fame are almost up, so he might as well get the most bang for his buck.

Also, is it just me or does the woman in the barber's chair look suspiciously like "Tina" from the Broad Minded cover? Were attractive women in such short supply in the late 50s that they had to be shared across album covers?

Tom Jones - a-Tom-ic Jones (1966)

If Soulja Slim was implying that he was about to go World War III on our asses in the name of givin' it to us raw, Tom Jones is implying that he can start a nuclear holocaust just by letting loose with his wonderfully rich Welsh baritone if he so chooses. The album cover arms race has begun!

Leo Sayer - Endless Flight (1976)

You know, I could remake this album cover with Richard Simmons and a trebuchet and get the added bonus of being able to actually see the impact at the end. With Leo Sayer, I can only pretend, and that's not nearly as entertaining.

Billy May - Cha Cha! (1960)

OK, we get it, it's a fucking cha-cha album. You don't need to put "cha cha" at the end of every single fucking song title. Jesus christ this is almost as bad as any given polka record.

Aside from the irritating name scheme, I'm trying to figure out just what is up with that dress. If you cover her top half she looks like some sort of weird sea creature, one with a love of gold lamé and pink chiffon. This is to say nothing of Ali Balding and his confused ethnicity outfit. The dog is obviously trying to be the black version of Petey from Our Gang and thus looks the least stupid of everybody on this cover.

Scorpions - Moment of Glory (2000)

Scorpions set out to prove that not only did T-Rexes exist, they looked simply FABULOUS!

Y Kant Tori Read - Y Kant Tori Read (1988)

The album that Tori Amos would really like everyone to forget about. Given how horribly 80s her outfit looks on this cover, I think I can see part of the reason why, to say nothing of the 5th-grade level scribbles surrounding her. I'm seriously afraid her hair is going to come alive and eat me, if she doesn't use that cutlass first.

Betty Staples - Organ Fantasy

There is a very obvious joke that can be made about this cover regarding its title, but I am a gentleman, so I won't go there.

Robbie Basho - The Falconer's Arm I (1967)

Either this album cover features one of the only caucasian Native American asians in existence, or that's the dumbest fucking collection of fashion statements I've ever seen in my life.