Mom's Apple Pie - Mom's Apple Pie (original cover) (1972)

This cover looks innocent enough at first, if extremely creepy, but sharp eyes will notice that the apple pie, aside from not looking anything at all like an apple pie, has a clearly defined labia/clitoris. Why the hell a pie would have either of those things is anybody's guess, but it makes me wonder if the people behind the American Pie movies knew about this album cover.

Sharlene Sharp - Rare and Well-Done

"Hello my dear, nice of you to drop by on my steed tonight. I know the doctors say you're not really there, but I can tell you are! You're just very crudely pasted onto this cover is all, kind of like how I think my horse is. But really, aren't we ALL just shoddy photo-collages in this great big world of ours? My flat pants leg thinks so! Anyway, have some booze, it might help you forget just how loud my suit is."

Y Kant Tori Read - Y Kant Tori Read (1988)

The album that Tori Amos would really like everyone to forget about. Given how horribly 80s her outfit looks on this cover, I think I can see part of the reason why, to say nothing of the 5th-grade level scribbles surrounding her. I'm seriously afraid her hair is going to come alive and eat me, if she doesn't use that cutlass first.

Betty Staples - Organ Fantasy

There is a very obvious joke that can be made about this cover regarding its title, but I am a gentleman, so I won't go there.

Ira North - If I Were a Woman

Looking at Ira, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what he'd be like as a woman.

Rikk Agnew - Turtle (1992)

Rikk Agnew asks us to consider what a real life Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would look like. According to Rikk, they would be horribly ugly, angry abominations less prone to spouting outdated Californian surfer lingo and eating pizza and more prone to wanting to bite your fingers off and burn your house down. Truly the stuff of nightmares.

Robbie Basho - The Falconer's Arm I (1967)

Either this album cover features one of the only caucasian Native American asians in existence, or that's the dumbest fucking collection of fashion statements I've ever seen in my life.

Poison - Open Up and Say... Ahh! (original cover) (1988)

If this is meant to be demonic, this is the least threatening demonic presence I've ever seen. It looks like some woman couldn't decide whether she wanted to be a cat, filthy white-trash, or Gene Simmons for Halloween and tried to haphazardly combine qualities of all three.

For some reason or another, this cover was actually banned. I can only hope that it was banned for being almost inconcievably stupid, but given that the 80s was the time of the PMRC I get the feeling that this cover was somehow actually viewed as being a threat, which just makes me feel really, really sad.

Bonnie Prudden - Fitness for Baby and You

a.k.a. "Here's another completely pointless activity you can force your child into to make you feel better about being a housewife with a dead-end life desperately trying to beautify yourself for a husband who probably doesn't give two shits about you and is most likely cheating on you with that cute girl down at the office."

Almafuerte - Del Entorno (1996)

I'm pretty sure that it's not a smart idea to connote your band's music with stepping in a pile of shit, or anything scatalogical in general, but by this point this seems less shocking for me and more really tiring. There's only so many times you can see shit or shit-like substances on album covers before it starts to get really old really fast.