Monday, April 30, 2007

Aaron Carter - Aaron Carter (1998)

All across the world, pedophiles with an "Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks" fetish are fantasizing about this image. I can just feel it.

The Travellers - A World of Our Own

In about 5 minutes, the world of their own is going to involve the term "death by train."

Dayglo Abortions - Two Dogs Fucking (1990)

This is one of those few times when the album cover actually delivers on what the album's name is. It also makes you wish that it hadn't.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

The New Cars - It's Alive! (2006)

More like "It took 5 minutes to make in Adobe Illustrator!"

Cattle Decapitation - Humanure (2004)

Cattle Decapitation attempt to take a page from the Cannibal Corpse school of "ultra gory 'shocking' album covers that try a bit too hard to be shocking" and end up with something that's honestly kind of ridiculous. It's gross, yes, but you mean to tell me that this cow presumably ate a few humans alive then, due to the cow's digestive system not being intended for breaking down meat, shat them out in a gory heap? Come on, people, you have to work a bit harder to outdo Cannibal Corpse here (not that I'm asking anybody to try, for the love of God).

Various Artists - Music for Half-Assed Friends

Hahaha, get it, there is half a toilet on the album cover because the friends are HALF-assed! Ha ha ha! oh god somebody kill me

A good question would be why the hell a compilation like this even exists.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Scorpions - Lovedrive (alternate cover) (1979)

To be fair, Scorpions were eventually clued in to the fact that pictures of melting tits don't exactly cause albums to fly off the shelves, and thus were forced to change the cover of Lovedrive. In order to accomplish this, they decided to hire out the work to a cheap tattoo parlor for a few cartons of cigarettes and a bottle of Everclear. Granted, it's less terrible than the original cover, but that's only because it would've been difficult to make it worse.

Scorpions - Lovedrive (original cover) (1979)

I have no idea how Scorpions managed to get the usually-reliable Hipgnosis to go along with this concept (or how they got them to go along with the cover to Animal Magnetism), but it should be obvious that this is pretty bad. The worst of it is that I don't even know what the point of this cover is. Maybe the moral of the cover is "if your hand is covered in bubblegum and you try to feel up a woman who just got out of the shower, you're in for rough sailing." Or maybe "if you're a swarthy Adam Corolla impersonator, your skin will have a 50% chance of chemically bonding with the flesh of bored, elderly brunettes." Or maybe "Scorpions should have never had a career in music, period."

A.A. Allen - I Am Lucifer

At this point, A.A. Allen isn't even pretending that he's not the antichrist anymore. Revealing a previously-undisclosed crossdressing fetish, he reveals himself to be the lord of darkness, and with his army of crying demons in tow he shall go up against that multiple-homicide perpetrator God and his army of healed broken hearts.

Man, I really want to live in whatever weirdo fantasy world A.A. Allen lives in now. Either that, or score whatever drugs he was on, even if that means I'll have to participate in a Teen Challenge.

Holly McNarland - Stuff (1997)

In Holly McNarland's bizarre world, "stuff" involves shrinking oneself to miniscule proportions, sitting in the mouth of a big, blurry dog, then piloting it around the house until it gets bored and snaps you in half with its mighty jaws, blood seeping from between its lips as it idly wonders why the treat in its mouth tasted so much like nasty hairgel.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Various Artists - Festival Strings

If Charlie's Angels were cheap, ugly white trash.

Frank Black - The Cult of Ray (1996)

The only thing better than just one poorly-drawn face is the same poorly drawn face copied and pasted multiple times over what looks like one of those pre-made Powerpoint backgrounds.

Celine Dion and Anne Geddes - Miracle (2004)

"Uhm, Celine? The baby's dead, Celine, you can stop cradling it now. No, holding it like that won't make it come back. Celine? I know it's very sad, but you have to just let go. Celene? Celene?"

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Impaled Northern Moonforest - Impaled Northern Moonforest (1997)

You know, if you're trying to make fun of black metal (which is such a ridiculous genre to begin with that I didn't even realize that it needed to be parodied), your parody might work slightly better if your album cover didn't take five minutes for your 8 year old cousin to draw in MS Paint.

Jaco Pastorius - Curtain Call (1996)

This just hurts my eyes. A huge, blown-up, blurry picture of someone's face isn't something I want to look at under the best circumstances, but making it a color that's so hard on the eyes doesn't help things any.

Ken Griffin - Let's Have a Party (1958)

And by "let's have a party" I mean "let's all awkwardly stand around the living room and pray for death."

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Boxer - Below the Belt (1975)

Retarded Internet Catchphrases Made Literal #483: "punch her in the cunt"

Joe Henry - Trampoline (1996)

A few thoughts regarding this cover:
1) That doesn't look anything like a trampoline. I suppose that the title "Jumping on the Bed" wouldn't have had the same quality to it.
2) He doesn't look very happy, or even very active. He seems to be standing on the bed, saying to someone off-camera "can we just get this shoot overwith so I can get off this Peep-colored monstrosity?"
3) There are few things less flattering than having a photo taken of you in your briefs. Taking a photo of you in your briefs from the waist down certainly doesn't help any.

Dr. Jack van Impe - Hell Without Hell

"Hell without Hell"? What in the fuck does that mean? Granted, after seeing such statements as "God is a killer" I should be used to this sort of thing by now, but this statement doesn't make any goddamned sense! The poorly-drawn demon on the cover sure doesn't seem to know what Jack's talking about, and the even the cover itself seems confused on the subject. "Is it the grave?" it asks feebly. "I mean, that is it, right? Isn't it? Maybe one of these names of hells in other cultures? Maybe that's it? I don't know."

It sure doesn't look like we'll get any clarification from Dr. van Impe himself, at least; he looks like one cold, cruel motherfucker.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

CX Kidtronik - Krak Attack (2006)

While this album cover is really childish and stupid, I guess I have to give it slight credit for not taking the concept to its logical conclusion like the Bloodhound Gang might have. Then again, this feels like crediting a virus for only making me nauseous as opposed to making me vomit up blood.

Ms. Tee - Having Thing$!! (1995)

Ms. Tee realizes that "doin' thangs" just isn't all that exciting. What's really important is having things, such as really blurry photographs on album covers, ugly upholstered chairs, and non-descript framed images of what appears to be the interior of someone's colon. She hasn't quite progressed up to having the good stuff, but at least she has things, and that's all that counts.

Poison - Look What the Cat Dragged In (1986)

Take one good look at this album cover and try to tell me with a straight face that hair metal wasn't just an excuse for guys with closet transvestism fetishes to air them out in the open without fear of reprisal.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Teen Challenge Addicts Choir

The real teen challenge is trying to figure out precisely why they'd show a photo of somebody shooting up on the cover of an album of teenagers who supposedly gave up that sort of thing after accepting Jesus. Do they really think we're too dumb to know how people do drugs? Is this their way of trying to prove that "SEE THESE KIDS REALLY DID DO DRUGS WATCH WHILE SOMEBODY INJECTS SOME OF THE GOOD STUFF INTO THEM"? I think I should just file this under "christian dualities that just don't make sense" just like I've seen on half of these damned christian-themed covers.

ABBA - Gracias por la Musica (1980)

This Spanish-language ABBA album poses the question: what is the dorkiest thing about it? Is it:

A) The matching jumpsuits for each couple, as it were.
B) Bjorn's ridiculous facial expression
C) Agnetha and Anni-Frid's mutual ridiculous facial expression
D) Benny's captivating UGG boots
E) The crayon scribbles around the exterior of the photograph
F) write-in

You, the readers, get to choose.

Luke Baldwin - The Tattoo on My Chest (1976)

I love the look of utter shame on Luke's face in this photo. It's like even HE realizes that the tattoo that happens to be on his chest is almost unbelievably stupid looking. You can mentally hear him saying "yeah yeah, I got drunk once and asked for a tattoo of a jackalope with a rose in its mouth, but do we HAVE to put this on the damn album?" I'm not sure that would've mattered anyway, though, since Luke is probably the least manly cowboy I've ever seen.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The Trousdale Strings and the Dawn Chorale - The Best of Walt Disney

"Well guys, it looks like we got permission to do an album of Disney songs, but they blocked us from actually using Disney characters on the album cover. Fear not, though, because I think I have a solution! I have a daughter who just started preschool and really loves to fingerpaint. Kids fingerpaint, kids love Disney, it all works out!"

Natural Wonder Products - Wet Dreams

I don't know about you, but I don't think they thought the name of this album all the way through...

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Bloodhound Gang - Hefty Fine (2005)

Things we never needed to see on an album cover #547: a hairy, naked fat man hanging out inside a cardboard box

Li'l Richard and his All-Stars - Happy Easter

This album cover features a rare promotional still from the late 50s cult horror film "Attack of the Stuffed Rabbits." Here, we see the film's lead, Richard Towalski, moments before the final showdown in which the stuffed rabbits attempt to tear him limb-from-limb. A must see for all fans of b-movie horror!

Jiggers - Story Time

Hey gang! You're probably wondering how a 2 foot tall puppet such as myself got on the back of this huge horse! I have no idea either! All I know is that it seems really angry at me and the world in general. I'd love to dismount, but I'm just a puppet, so I can't even do that! What I'm trying to say, kids, is when I eventually get bucked off and crushed underneath this massive beast's pounding hooves, just tell my wife that I love her.

Various Artists - Lesbian Concentrate: A Lesbianthology of Songs and Poems (1977)

I was originally going to let this slide as not being too bad, but come on, "lesbianthology" is one of the stupidest words I've ever read.

Come to think of it, just what DOES lesbian concentrate taste like?

Mecca Normal - The Observer (2006)

This seems to answer the age-old question of whether it's possible for a mummy to rise back from the dead and release an album.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Pink Floyd - Delicate Sound of Thunder (1988)

What could possibly be more interesting and exciting than a man being attacked by birds? I know! A man wearing black with lightbulbs glued all over him! And the guy has a stick jammed up his ass!

I realize that Storm Thorgerson and Hipgnosis have been responsible for a great many deservedly iconic album covers over the years, but I feel really safe in saying that this ain't one of them.

Joe Biviano - Pizza Party

No, you fools! Stay back! The Horta will only become enraged at your puny attempts to cut it. I'm sure already pissed off over the fact that you've mistaken it for a pizza! It's started to devour the chef's legs, so run while you can!

Jo Jo Gunne - The Asylum Recordings: Jumpin' the Gunne + So...Where's the Show? (2000)

Disaster struck the city of Tokyo today when it was again the victim of a giant monster attack. The creature, which appeared to be a giant, overweight, nude woman, seemed to believe that it was trying out for an avant-garde dance troupe and did so across much of the city, wiping out several city blocks and forcing the Japanese army to intervene. However, due to the creature's bulk, most conventional weapons proved useless, and it was only after Godzilla arrived from Monster Island to beat back the monster that the city again became peaceful. It is not known whether malice was truly intended by this creature as it danced its way across Tokyo, but Japan remains on high alert in case it returns.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Immortal - Battles in the North (1995)

Though few realize it, sitting in the middle of a snowy field while wearing bad makeup and having a very dour grimace on your face is actually a very good battle tactic. Your attackers will naturally assume that you're too ridiculous to even bother fighting against and just go home. Immortal, masters of this technique, have decided to showcase it for us right on this very album cover. Not only is it deterring me from wanting to attack them, it's also deterring me from ever wanting to listen to their music or even look at them with a straight face. Truly, Immortal are masters of their craft.

A.A. Allen - God Is a Killer!

After seeing two of A.A. Allen's other album covers, which feature a horrible chest wound and a cross-eyed black man, I'm really starting to wonder just what in the hell Allen's religious views are.

I'm starting to get the sneaking suspicion that Allen wasn't really a preacher at all, but rather a serial killer that used religion as a front to find his victims. The chest wound depicted on Healer of Broken Hearts was a real one; the black man on Crying Demons was actually driven insane by Allen's torture before being brutally murdered. Here, we see that Allen's hubris has no bounds. He knows he can never be caught. He is even akin to God himself in how utterly untouchable he is. Oh yeah, and he's a killer.

This might not make a lot of sense, but I'm not sure what sort of sense I'm supposed to get out of Allen's work in the first place.

Fleetwood Mac - Mystery to Me (1973)

You know, it's a mystery to me too why Fleetwood Mac would choose to put a gorilla that's been brutally mouth-raped on an album cover. Yes, I know, the white stuff is supposed to be frosting, but if that's the case then why the hell is the gorilla crying?

Rusty Warren - Sexplosion (1977)


(Apologies to Retrocrush for co-opting one of their images again.)

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Louvin Brothers - Satan Is Real (1960)

Yes, not only is Satan real, he has really goofy-looking teeth. You'd think that someone like the Prince of Darkness himself would be able to get some adequate dental work done to him. Then again, it might be hard getting dental care when you're constantly coated with a thick sheen of red paint.

Jackie Gleason - Music to Remember Her (1955)

Nothing quite says rememberance like systematically decapitating every woman you've ever had a relationship with, then slapping them on an album cover for the whole world to see. Maybe we should've taken him a bit more seriously when he kept threatening to knock Alice to the moon.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Flaming Lips - Hit to Death in the Future Head (1992)

I think it should understood as an unspoken rule that if your album cover has a toilet on it, it's automatically bad. The Flaming Lips gamely try to get around this rule by dressing up their toilet in pretty pastel colors, but it's wasted effort.

Alix Dobkin - Living with Lesbians (featuring the Lesbian Power Authority) (1975)

The scenario posited on this album cover would actualy make a good punishment for the sort of men who actually believe that all lesbians need is a good man to break them in. Just have them live with this group doing back-breaking farm labor until they realize the whole concept is wrong-headed and stupid.

I do have to wonder exactly why they're letting all of those vegetables just rot in the ditch, though.

(When I posted this on the original, now-defunct version of this blog, I recieved a very interesting post from an anonymous commenter claiming to be one of the women shown on the album cover. Since I think it's verymuch worth reading, you can find that comment here.)

Les Excentriques - Les Excentriques (1965)

Why yes, I DO find it eccentric that there exists a band comprised entirely of cloned, life-sized Ken dolls. In fact, I find it really fucking terrifying. Ever since I first saw this album cover, I've been having nightmares where they all run me over in a life-sized version of Barbie's pink Cadillac, unnatural grins plastered onto their faces while they continue to hold their pink guitars, as the plastic sheen of their clothing and hair holds me in a daze as the car comes in closer and closer and closer.

I may never sleep again.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Adman - Jammin' (2002)

If this photo had only been taken a few seconds later, I think we would've witnessed the very first vehicular homicide ever committed to an album cover. You know what they say; live fast, have an image of yourself crudely superimposed over a photo of a fast car, get mocked by a guy on the internet, die young.

Creed - Weathered (2001)

Despite the fact that the color scheme is horribly dreary and oppressive, despite the fact that the superimposed faces of the band members look horribly out of place and ugly, despite the fact that the sun looks like it's about to turn into a red giant and destroy us all, there is one thing about this album cover that brings a huge smile to my face; the fact that it looks like a guy is about to drive a chisel through Scott Stapp's skull.

Mike Adkins - Thank You for the Dove

"I mean, I guess it's alright, getting this dove. This still doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck in some featureless blue limbo with blackness encroaching on me by the minute. And to be honest, I'm starting to question why I worship a god that would put me in this situation in the first place. But the dove is nice. I guess.

...I think it just crapped in my hands."

Monday, April 9, 2007

Baby Sunshine - Baby Sunshine (1976)

Making fun of this album would be against my principles. You can clearly tell it's developmentally disabled.

Vienna State Opera Orchestra - Dvorak's Overtures Opus 91,92,93 and Slavonic Rhapsody #2

You know, when I first saw this album cover, it struck me as being bad, but nothing special. Some woman is holding her feet, which have painted nails. Weird, slightly degrading, possibly shooting for a foot-fetish crowd; pretty normal highlights for a rock album cover.

Then I looked at the artist info and I realized that this is for a CLASSICAL album cover, which quite frankly makes no sense at all. Were the 70s (presumably when this was made, given the color choices and photographic quality) such a horribly anticultural time period that marketers had to try any means necessary to get people to listen to classical music? Well, I guess the 70s gave us disco, so I'll have to say "why not."

Fun-Da-Mental - Erotic Terrorism (1998)

While the guy seems to have the "terrorism" angle down pat (horrible leisure suit notwithstanding), I really, really don't want to see him attempt the "erotic" part at all, ever.