Saturday, March 31, 2007
Knorkator are not a band that take themselves seriously, which is something I can respect in a way. They realize full-well that KISS makeup just makes people look retarded most of the time, so they decided to go with it to make themselves look stupid, I guess. I know it's in good fun and all, but this really just isn't a good album cover. The color saturation is off, everyone looks like they've been lobotomized, and the unnaturally whitened teeth everyone is sporting just makes them look weird (to say nothing of the receding hairline on the guy on the left).
Knorkator: proving that KISS aren't the only ugly, middle-aged schmucks wearing stupid clown makeup.
There's nothing I'd like to see more than a fat, mustached, hairy-chested transvestite wearing bright pink stockings and a sheer tank top sitting in a chair looking depressed while holding the string to a weird toy duck. Actually, I misspoke. What I meant to say was I'd never like to see that at all, period.
What I love about this cover, other than how cheap and ugly the photo is, is how the band decided to capitalize the words Tune and Tuna, as a subtle way of helping the people who failed Basic Puns 101 to see the joke that "Tune" and "Tuna" sound very similar. Some might complain that the band assuming their fans are too dumb to get the joke is a bit meanspirited; I think REO Speedwagon knew damned well that anybody who could actually listen to a song like "Time for Me to Fly" and enjoy it probably needed all the help they could get.
If nothing else, at least this is slightly more clever than the Lords of Acid's pun on the word "pussy."
Friday, March 30, 2007
The fact that this is a poor album cover should be fairly obvious. The cheapass fonts, the awful contrast between the blue whatever-it-is up top and the giant, staring baby eyes down below. All of it just screams lousy. What makes this album cover really go the distance, though, is the fact that it looks like a terrible album cover from the early 90's. I can literally imagine some lousy, second-string pop grunge act like Live using this cover back in the day, not a famous pop star using it a couple years ago. I like you and all, Paul, but give me a fucking break here.
This has to be one of the most homoerotic album covers of all time. The fact that it's homoerotic isn't necessarily bad, granted, it's just how awful everybody looks. The horrible 70s hairdos and facial hair haven't aged well at all, and there's those dopey fucking grins. If you're attempting to be sexy, try to not grin like an idiot.
So we have a bunch of dorks trying to be sexy and instead looking highly gay for each other. What's there left to discuss? Oh yeah, some of the band members were brothers. Try wrapping your head around that one.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
And now, the award for the most utterly recursive album cover of all time. So it's an audiobook. Fine. However, I would like to think that somebody could put more effort into making the cover than just taking a photo of the book sitting amongst some fine velvet drapery. If you're going to go that route, why even give the album a name in big print when we can already see the name of it in small print on the book? Perhaps they were worried that their target audience would assume the name of the album was "FAMOUS PLASTIC SURGEON'S REMARKABLE DISCOVERY" instead of the obvious.
Speaking of recursiveness, I love the line "A New Way to GET MORE LIVING OUT OF LIFE." It's currently enabling me to get more laughing out of laughter.
(My apologies to the fine guys at Retrocrush for co-opting their image.)
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Do you remember that dumb Arnold Schwartzenegger movie from the mid-90s in which Arnold somehow got man-pregnant? Did you ever say to yourself "Man, I wish that Arnold would've been played by some pale, bleached-blonde dimwit?" Then did you ever get the urge to see this pale, ghostlike, pregnant man strike a pose the likes of which you'd see on a horrible Celene Dion album cover with the added bonus of the man being nude?
If you said yes to the latter two, then I hold you responsible for this album cover and hate you forever.
I love the implication that the Archies are so collectively braindead that they have to wear their own shirts to remember what band they're in. The baby-bird like open maw of the brunette girl in the foreground definitely lends credence to this theory since I get the feeling she forgets how to tie her own shoes on a regular basis.
The best part of the album cover is definitely the bored, irritated man up front. His rolled eyes and very stiff pose indicate that he doesn't really want to be in the group responsible for "Sugar, Sugar," he doesn't want to dance around like an idiot, and he sure as hell isn't having any fun. He just wants to leave. "Are we done yet?" he's saying with gritted teeth while he very haltingly pretends to dance for the sake of the cameraman, "Can we get out of here? Come on, damn it, I have more important things to do."
At least the blonde in the back is pretty cute and has a nice outfit.
Monday, March 26, 2007
If Blowfly's ridiculous little lucha libre outfit weren't enough to throw this album cover firmly into the realm of the ridiculous, having part of the album's title tweak that black girl's nipple definitely takes the cake.
Going by the cover alone, I'm not sure if I should expect something sexy with this album's music or something that sounds like mexican wrestling. Maybe it's sexy mexican wrestling. As interpreted entirely by black people. It can't be any worse than hearing Ken take requests.
Let's ignore the cheap costumes and Dan's beehive-like fake beard for a second. Something bothers me about this whole thing on a fairly deep level. I mean, ventriloquist acts generally work as a visual spectacle. Without seeing the puppeteer actually manipulating the puppet, most of the appeal of seeing a ventriloquist act goes out the window. Who really wants to listen to a ventriloquist act on record? Who wants to do so badly enough that it creates a demand for a series that's actually hit its third volume? And what in the hell does a ventriloquist dummy add to bible stories anyway?
You know, the implications of this album cover are already so abundant and so amazingly creepy that I don't think I really need to make fun of this. However, I do think I need to call child protective services or the police.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
At first glance, this album cover may seem like just another retarded 1970s disco cover, one whose blatant sexism has gone so far over the top that's become as nasty as the carpet our main man is wearing on his chest. But probe deeper. What seems to be blatant sexism is actually an intelligently concocted political statement about the hedonism of the disco scene of the late 70s. The women are slaves to overwhelming lust, passion, and the whims of effete playboys who could not care less about them and would gladly exchange their company for money with which to fuel their debauched lifestyle. The chains also tie into the issue of race; these women literally become slaves, harkening back to the destruction of African homelands and the exploitation of black labor in the Americas, our male lead being a traitor of the highest caliber as he sells his own blood, his own heritage, in an attempt to gain money and power from a group that does not respect him at all. Truly, this album cover is a tribute to the genius of music's ability to expand our minds and our horizons.
...on second thought, after examining the album cover further, in particular our male lead's silver codpiece, I reverse my analysis. This is the product of a shallow and sexist culture in which people actually did stupid things like hang out at Studio 54 or let Styx albums hit the Top 10 instead of the bottom of a trash can. Intellectual crisis averted!
Not only is this one of the most depressing album covers ever, it also, paradoxically, has one of the greatest album titles ever. Seriously, I can picture this album's title on the cover of some rap album, a tribute to the rap artist's tough life on the streets where the motto is to live fast, die young. Of course, the Christians had to go and fuck it up for everybody, so we get this guy instead, whose friends probably all died from old age, boredom, or that copy of Chairman Mao's Little Red Book that he's holding in his hands. I mean come on, I could be listening to Big Bear rap about something other than Doin' Thangs if this album's title hadn't already been taken! That would've been awesome! (Then again, this is assuming an alternate reality where Big Bear actually has talent.) So fuck you, Freddie, and stop whining!
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Hahahaha, get it? Because "pussy" is a slang term for a cat but also a girl's naughty parts! That's sooo funny! Man, like, what'd be even funnier is if on the back cover there was a picture of a rooster's head coming out of somebody's open fly hahaha and then if the pussy started eating it ahahaha oh man I'd better stop laughing before I wake up my mom 'cause she totally hates it if she catches me on the computer this late.
While Prince has become somewhat infamous for appearing semi- or mostly-nude on a good number of his album covers, the Great Purple One usually managed to pull it off with enough style and seething sexuality that it actually managed to work on some level.
However, this particular cover came from earlier in Prince's career, when he was trying to work out the bugs in his persona. Instead of looking sleek and sexy, here he just looks like Freddie Mercury with a bad haircut. Actually, that's kind of an insult to Freddie Mercury. More like some skeezy sex offender who delights in exposing himself in front of the 6 year olds at the playground.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Q: How long is it going to take the rest of the Cooper family to figure out that "mom" is actually Dustin Hoffman in drag?
A: About as long as it's going to take them to realize that they've been living in a medieval dungeon for the past 10 years.
It's the attack of the Poser models! Fear their plasticine skin and ridiculous masks!
Believe it or not, I can't actually blame the graphics designer responsible for this mess. Apparently, this was only meant to be a mockup render, but Iron Maiden loved the mockup so much that they insisted that it be used as the final product. The poor graphics designer agreed to this only if his name could be taken out of the liner notes. Thus, the graphics designer got to keep his diginity and Iron Maiden lost a whole lot of theirs. Not that heavy metal has much dignity to begin with.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
For the longest time, I assumed that this album cover was depicting a green orc creature standing just off-camera and simply driving his finger through the skull of Perfectly Two-Dimensional Man, which didn't make a lot of sense to me. Then I realized that the orc's fist is acting as a GUN and he's actually firing a bullet through our flat hero's poor cranial cavity. Does this make me feel stupid, being bested by an album cover? Not really, because it's drawn so shittily that they couldn't even convey what they were trying to get across correctly. If anything, it doesn't answer WHY we should care that the guy is getting his brains blown out in the first place. Maybe it's because of his hideous fashion sense, but I get the sinking feeling that's not it.
What a perfectly wonderful album cover! A live baby chick standing on top of a charred, dead baby chick laying on top of a fried egg in a frying pan. And people were bitching about Faith No More letting a fish flop around out of water for a few seconds in their music video for "Epic"!
I think this is supposed to be a warning of some sort, along the lines of "this is your brain after listening to German prog rock."
This year, the role of Santa Claus will be performed by that creepy guy down at the office who always has that blank grin on his face and talks in a halting, stilted manner about the wonders of old episodes of Star Trek and his hobby building model airplanes and gives nervous, sidelong glances to all of his female coworkers to the point where all of them try to avoid him as much as possible as he just stands there, rocking back and forth on his heels, mentioning to them that he learned to play accordion just like John Linnell from They Might Be Giants since that guy is so smart and the accordion is such a great instrument and do they want to hear him play it and nobody dares talk to him out of the fear that he'll follow them home and things will just get even more awkward from there.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
When it comes to Christian album covers, weird unexplainable contrasts and dualities seem to be the norm, but this one just leaves me feeling extremely confused. I mean, what in the hell is the point of juxtaposing the photo of a grinning, joyful child with a snapshot of a passed out wino? Is this showing what Little Timmy might become? Is the point to make the album's title horrendously ironic? Is it to show the mental regression the bum has underwent due to his years of substance abuse? Is it to show that, in some weird way, no matter how flea-bitten and smelly you are, you're just as loved by Jesus as a smiling and precocious WASP-in-training? And Jesus Christ, what's with all the blue? It looks like a Smurf vomited on the camera lens.
Now here's a creepy cultural relic: a hypnotherapy LP. The idea is that you'll listen to this LP, presumably when going to sleep, and the soothing voice of Romark will penetrate into your subconscious. Then, through the power of suggestion, Romark will make it so that you start to lose weight. At least, I think that's what Romark wants you to believe. Looking at his face, I can't help but feel that his intent is far more sinister. It seems more like he wants to hypnotise you into a stupor so that he can take advantage of you, both physically and mentally, before discarding you in his basement/dungeon with the rest of his unwilling love slaves and future cuts of meat.
Yes, I realize that the American minstrel show had a profound cultural impact on almost every level of American entertainment that is still inescapable to this day. This does not mean, however, that I particularly want to see guys that look like a more gap-toothed and ugly version of the short, bald guy from Benny Hill slather themselves in axle grease and start pickin' away at a banjo jus' lahk dey's pickin' cottin fo' massuh yessuh ah's jus' gwinter play a song fer y'all affer ah eats dis watahmellin 'n fried chikkin. Oh god damn it, this album cover is making me go into stereotyped "black" dialects. Let's just forget this whole thing ever existed for the sake of my sanity.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I will be fair; prettymuch every Cannibal Corpse album cover is like this. They're clearly going for some sort of aesthetic that involves horribly bloody and mutilated corpses and they stick to it. That still doesn't make them any good, but you have to give them credit for trying at least.
At any rate, even as far as Cannibal Corpse album covers go, this is one of their worst. Aside from the extreme amount of blood, gore, and bile that's splattered all over the proceedings like fake blood in an early Peter Jackson film, we have what appears to be one mostly disemboweled corpse giving oral sex to another mostly disemboweled female corpse. Is it necrophilia when the both partners are presumably dead? And why in the hell should I even wonder about this?
You know, I have to admit: that really IS a pretty damned awesome hat! I don't care for the seedy looking guy with the pubestache that the hat is sitting on, but the hat is great! The cover should be all about that hat! Hell, just ditch Davy Graham entirely, he's bogging the whole thing down. Give the hat a record deal instead: if my calculations are right, that hat has the potential to be the greatest recording artist of all time.
You know, if I called myself Young MC, I'd have to agree with the sentiment of the album title. I mean, I wouldn't want to go out looking chubby and middle-aged either. I also wouldn't want to go out having released an album whose cover looked like it took 5 minutes to make using one of those bargain-bin "MAKE YOUR OWN CD COVERS 100s OF FREE DESIGNS" discs that you always find sitting next to the CDs that claim they have thousands of free fonts on them and the ones that have 8 billion different ways to play poker.
Having said all this, I can conclude, despite his importance as a rapper back in the 80s, that Young MC is one of the biggest failures of all time.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Boy does this album cover not know what it's trying to convey. She's standing in a 30's-era kitchen with enough food lining the shelves to feed an army, but she's still reduced to cooking her ukelele for sustenance. She has a matronly, trailer-trashy getup on that suggests that she's nothing more than a housewife, but she has a guitar slung around her neck like she's a singing cowboy, nevermind that uke that's being turned into stew. The entire image suggests something eerie and unsettling, especially her wide-eyed stare and vacant smile, but she's been parent approved! Since this album cover seems to be trying to work in contrasts, I dub this album as being simultaneously weird and creepy.
This pretty morbid, almost a memento mori in LP form. You have to wonder at the wording used in the title; why this is your funeral if you are a Christian? Is this supposed to imply that a pagan funeral would be full of drunken debauchery and wild sex parties that are a horrible affront to God and Jesus? Or is the album's title actually a threat, and Dr. Dallas is actually a rogue atheist professor whose goal in life is to slay all believers of Christianity?
Whatever the case may be, one fact remains: those curtains are fucking ugly.
When sexy becomes "fucking hilarious," along with "fucking ridiculous." I imagine the conversation that took place before this one was along the lines of "Shit, I have an album cover to do? Somebody raid the set of a Harryhausen film for me! I have this sort of slutty elf valkyrie pose I've been working out. Sonny told me about this thing called 'dee and dee' and it sounds like something I should try to do!"
The best/worst part about that outfit is it's probably what provided the inspiration for Madonna's terrifyingly hilarious cone bras, along with
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Another in the realm of odd Christian arcana. After roping up disabled or deformed people to sing about Jesus and make people feel better about themselves became too boring, I guess the Christian music community hitmakers decided on another strategy. This time, they'd throw together a group of former drug addicts to sing about how the love of JESUS made them stop injecting heroin or smoke crack or whatever so that people could feel better about themselves THAT way.
Maybe my view of the music industry is flawed, given the countless collapsed veins on the likes of people like Iggy Pop and Keith Richards, but I'd think that the music industry would be the very LAST place you'd want to expose to former addicts. It'd be like making an Alcoholics Anonymous member the owner of a liquor store.
Then again, maybe cutting off the addicts' heads and crudely pasting them onto a drawing of a skyline is supposed to make sure they can never inject ever again since how are you supposed to do heroin if you don't have any hands to inject yourself with?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I'm reasonably sure that if E.T. had looked like this instead of as a wrinkly burlap sack filled with beer and Reese's Pieces, that movie probably would've lasted all of 5 minutes, with E.T. not only not going home, but being thrown in jail after Eliot made a quick phonecall home to have mom get the cops. Then we never would've had one of the 80s' most inexplicably popular and successful movies, along wiht no E.T. videogame for the Atari 2600.
I'm only talking about the movie E.T. because Eddie Towns's outfit is so ridiculous that it completely defies rational explanation. It's like a homeless bum got drunk on Thunderbird and raided Bootsy Collins' wardrobe after consulting with Tina Turner's wigmaker.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
"Hello there, bretheren. We're the Amason Twins!"
"That's right, and have we got a great deal for you!"
"Our recent George Washington haircuts made us realize that all the Lord really wants for his flock is to save money!"
"Exactly! Just like we saved money on our suits by making them out of cheap linoleum patterns, we too can save you money in the eyes of Jesus!"
"Just be sure to pick up our new LP, and we can tell you all about God and his wonderful plans for you and your money!"
"Dude, so I like totally have this awesome story to tell you! So, like, I drew this bitchin' picture when I was hanging out in shop class today! It was so cool! It had, like, burning buildings and some guy wearing leather holdin' up a huge axe--I know, dude, it was fuckin' sweet! Oh yeah, and he was ridin' this huge motorcycle, it had like spikes and shit, it was cool. I liked it so much that when I was walking to the corner store to bum some cigarettes off the guy that owns it, I decided to show the picture off and these guys just walk right up to me and want it. They said they were in this heavy metal band--I'm not shitting you, it really happened, man!--and they were going to pay me a lot of money, and I was like whoa, that's totally sweet! Too bad I can't show you my drawing now, but the album should be coming out soon, man, that's what those guys told me. They even made me put their name and stuff on the album, they're called Battleaxe, so yeah, it totally rules. I bet I can pick up chicks by saying I'm part of a cool rock band now."
Monday, March 12, 2007
By the looks of the font and the horrible double-entendre apparent in the album's title, I get the impression that the guys of Boned decided to form a band after listening to AC/DC's "Big Balls" on repeat for a few hours straight, laughing their asses off every single time at every single joke. Then they decided to do their idols one BETTER by having their album cover itself be a joke! (See, because the guitar's neck looks like something else!!!) Remember, if a dumb joke told by someone else is funny once, then it has to be funny if you repeat it over and over and over again!
For sounding like a monumentally bad song and a bad idea in general, the cover itself doesn't look that bad. At a glance. Then you start to notice that the faces of the bride and groom look awfully similar. And that the bride's hair doesn't quite look real. And that her body type is a little mannish. And that she's Paul Jabara in a wedding dress.
The big question is: why? Is the implication here that Paul Jabara wants to marry himself?
At a first glance, the cover is already pretty cheesy. Devo had started giving in to that impulse somewhere around Oh No, It's Devo!, so that was probably to be expected. Then you look at David Kendrick's chin (second from the left) and you realize that it's very obviously glued on. Crookedly. Apparently, his chin ended up getting out of the shot accidentally and they decided to fix it in a really half-assed way. That's OK, though, since I don't think anybody in Devo really cared at this point. De-evolution indeed.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
When it comes to artwork, bargain-basement compilations provide an endless source of mirth, bad design choices, and eye-searing pain. Since the whole point is to shove out a product with as little effort as possible, silly things like graphics designers fall by the wayside. It doesn't matter if you're a groundbreaking composer in the field of electronic music: as long as they can slap a nasty picture of you with severe contrast problems on an album cover with some MS Comic Sans and a few doodles the record label's daughter made in the margins of her notebook, then drench it all in colors that would make Lisa Frank vomit, it's all good. I mean, if NOFX can have a man and sheep having sexual relations on an album cover, certainly we can have Milton Babbitt cavorting in a weird checkered universe with some flowers, butterflies, and floating text bubbles.
When talking about broken hearts, the last thing in the world I expect is literalism. That goes double for the almost anti-literal Christian music scene. So my first though is that this is a parody of some sort, but none of the song titles seem like what you'd find on a parody record. My other thought is that this is just a bit of dark humor on the behalf of A.A. Allen but then I remember that the Christian music scene thinks that releasing album covers featuring people like the Handless Organist and Jeff is actually a good idea.
If nothing else, that's possibly the weakest blood stain in the history of blood stains. Unless we're to learn that not only is his heart broken, he's also anemic, which seems sadly plausible.
It could've been a decently low-key album cover: our rapper, Mr. Big Drawlz, with a suitably thuggish portrait, standing out in the streets. Not necessarily a great album cover, but a fitting one. Then comes the big question: why the stretched-out photo inserted into the background? Specifically, why the stretched-out photo of Mr. Big Drawlz holding a gigantic pair of briefs? Is this meant to be an explanation for his unusual moniker? A sign that he wears them? None of this makes any sense.
About the album's title: I don't forsee any prosperity coming your way, Drawlz. If someone's going to buy a rap album, they're going to buy one that doesn't have a gigantic pair of men's underwear on the front.
If anybody really needed to be convinced that the Rolling Stones were all washed up by the mid-80s, this cover should've been a huge wakeup call. The preponderance of pink and the bizarre dinner-mint colored chair would've been ugly even when this photo was actually taken place, but the real kicker lies in Mick Jagger's canary-colored crotch shot. Rather than being tittilating and shocking, like it would've been in the past, it instead just comes across as irritatating and mildly disgusting. "Jesus Mick, close your damn legs up. What if your kids see?" Oh how harsh it is to see rock's sex gods in decline.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Helpful Hints to Make Your Album Cover One to Remember:
1) Ditch that bedhead! The tousled look hasn't been trendy since the 80s, so be sure to get a comb and lay it out nice!
2) Stubble is icky! The clean-shaven look is always a nice touch and makes you more presentable!
3) Be sure to get plenty of rest! Nobody wants you to look all bleary and bloodshot for your big photo shoot!
4) Fix those dental problems! An overbite just won't fly at all!
If you forget to follow these helpful tips, your IQ might look like it dropped by about 50 or so points, which is a total bummer! Not even oversaturating your photo will make it look better. :(
Just be sure to follow these tips and your album cover will shine bright!
I realize this is meant to be a sort of parody of sex albums from around this time period (yes, such a thing did exist), and the photo itself isn't really that bad, all things considered. It's like a more attractive, less horrifying version of John Lennon and Yoko Ono's Two Virgins. The problem is that, since this is a Rudy Ray Moore album on top of being a parody, you have to have Rudy's face on the cover somewhere. How to accomplish this? Crudely pasting his face in over the head of whomever his stand-in is supposed to be. Come on, you might as well go all the way with it! At least you can ogle the crude neon-line drawings along the margins to make up for that. Okay, not really.
This is just goofy. If the rainbow banner and weird-ass pink helmet weren't bad enough, the guy is standing on two miniature prop planes. Gay pride and aviation make for a weird combination to begin with, so adding metal to mix just makes me think that Scorpions were high on something when they came up with the idea.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Millie Jackson wants you to know that she has breasts. She wants you to know very, very badly. Because she wants you to know that, yes, she has breasts, she has done everything in her power to ensure that you're going to get a long, hard look at them, short of just naming the album "HEY LOOK AT MY CLEAVAGE GUYS!"
Also, unless I'm interpreting the view through the crystal ball/magical breast magnifying lens incorrectly, it seems that a stingray has set up camp on top of Millie's boobs. Maybe he's the "persuasion" part of the album title.
As hard as I've tried, I haven't been able to come up with anything that's funnier than the actual story of how this album cover came about. Here's the deal: in order to get this shot, our pal Andrew decided to nail himself in the nose with a cinder block for realism's sake. Then, after discovering that his own nosebleed wasn't bloody enough, he decided to just smear pig's blood on his face. Congratulations, Andrew: you're possibly one of the stupidest men who's ever lived.
Sleep looks like the last thing on this baby's mind. Perhaps a more apt subtitle for the album would've been "songs to bring your baby down from its 36 hour amphetamine binge." And why the hell does the headboard look like it's floating in midair? And what's with all the swirling images above our baby's head? This baby needs to get into detox, fast.